Love Is Easy

Over the last few months I have noticed people writing and talking about their relationships in a way that seems so unnecessarily difficult. I often think to myself "Love doesn't need to be so hard." Look I know more than the next person that relationships take a lot of work, communication, trust and honesty. However I don't feel as though love itself and being with the person you love (if you've been blessed enough to find them) is that difficult. Life is difficult, but that love is pure and simple.

I'm not kidding when I say that some people have daily struggles with their relationships. To me that doesn't seem healthy. It's healthy to argue, it's healthy to be able to spend some *agreed*  time apart, it's healthy to bicker every once in awhile. It is not healthy to break up every time the sun goes down, it's not healthy to bash that person on Facebook for the world to see and it most certainly is not healthy to feel as though you can't move forward should they leave you.That to me is not love, that to me is lust. The person you love should make you a better person, or at least make you want to aim to be a better person. You should strive on their energy, learn from them, feel supported by them, feel safe with them and most importantly they should be your best friend. Your love should never be threatened by them being with you or not. Your heart should feel safe with that person because among all, that person will protect you and their love for you.

My marriage isn't perfect, nobody's is. I understand some people are happy with their relationships even though to me it seems stressful. I'm not judging anyone but if you find yourself feeling more unhappy than happy, it's time to reevaluate and fix it or move on. I'm sure I'll get a lot of disagreements but that's ok. I'm blissfully happy with my husband and that's all the matters to me.
EMM

The Scoop

I think it's time I officially come out and say exactly what's going on with me. While some aspects of my personal life are far too personal to share there are some aspects that I think are appropriate to write about.

These past 10 months have been the most difficult 10 months of my life. It started out with my parents separating after 31 years of marriage and my mom moving even further away than she already is. You know when you think "How can things possibly get any worse?" Well I guess I tempted the universe because they continued to get worse every week. Besides the divorce getting quite complicated and plain old ugly I lost 3 different jobs in the last 10 months. Which means I have been on the job hunt 4 times throughout the last year. It is discouraging because I know my capabilities and worth, but my confidence has definitely been hit. I then unexpectedly got a massive kidney stone and ended up in the ER (which lead to an even bigger medical bill). Finally, I lost my relationship with my father. No, he didn't pass away but the relationship we had did. He is not the person I thought he was. I am the type of person who see's things clearly and morally. Your actions are either right, or wrong, no in between. Of course there are some exceptions to the rule but for the most part I feel as though people know what they are doing is either right, or wrong. He was doing wrong. He was not remorseful. He was not apologetic. He was not upset. Some of you might think "Dang EMM, you are being a bit judgmental. He's your dad. He's always going to be your dad." You're all right to an extent. I have been working with my therapist on this issue because I know that while I loathe what he did, I need to come to terms with it. That doesn't mean my relationship with him will ever be the same if we even have one again.

The other new development in my life is severe anxiety. Not with all situations, in fact just with one. I live about 1.5hrs away from my birthplace/home town. Over the last 6 months I have not been able to go back. At first I thought it was just because I wanted to stay away from the drama my parent's divorce was causing. After a couple of months of therapy I realize it is a far deeper rooted issue than I originally thought. I was supposed to go down next weekend for a visit. Over the last few days I've had anxiety attacks about the trip and essentially become inconsolable for a short time. I can't do it. I'm not ready to do it yet. For whatever reason (that I haven't figured out yet) I can't drive the 100 miles down there. This is far more difficult to admit than you all may think. You see I come from a family full of strong independent women. For me to admit defeat or weakness is very difficult. My husband said something that really made me understand why I feel the way I feel "If you don't tell anybody you aren't fine, how do you expect them to try and help you or understand why you haven't been yourself lately?" He's right. I tell everyone I'm fine as a way to avoid questions, sympathy or help because I'm supposed to be able to handle this all myself. The truth is though, I'm not fine. I'm not ok. I'm not taking this with a grain of salt.

That's why I've been seeking help for the last few months. It has helped me in a sense of figuring out who I am and why I think the way I do. It's also helped me accomplish some of my personal goals. While I'm not quite there yet, I do know that one day I will be fine. I will be ok. I will move past this. Until then, I hope my closest friends and family understand that I am doing my best. I am working on taking care of myself. I am trying. I just hope I have all of your support, which never seems to be too much to ask from such wonderful people because I know that the people who truly care for me will always understand and always be there for me.

For now let me leave you with this, I am still me. I am still EMM. I am stronger than I ever thought possible but I do have weaknesses, and that's ok with me. I just hope it's ok with all of you. Thanks for all of your support.
EMM

Forgive & Forget

It's something people always say, "I can forgive you but I will never forget what you did". It's one of those statements that I thought related to cheating and cheating alone. After the year that I have been having I find that to be furthest from the truth. This statement can be used in many different aspects of my life now and as I've mentioned before, forgiving may not even be an option.

However for the sake of this blog let's say it relates to cheating significant others who get caught. Is it possible to forgive and forget? I don't think so! I think it's absolutely possible to forgive when it comes to matters of the heart. I also happen to think when it relates to someone near and dear to you it is also impossible to forget. I know for me personally I was cheated on several times (for the record, never by my husband) and I never forgot what that person did to me. The pain subsided, the memory faded but the fact that they hurt me as bad as they did was always in the back of my head. I wasn't perfect and in the past I've cheated as well. I can only imagine the boys I cheated on still remember what I did to them. Or maybe not, men tend to be forgetful and hold less of a grudge but that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

That brings up another topic altogether; is it easier for men to forgive and forget than it is for women? I personally think it is easier for men. As previously stated men tend to move on quickly, forgive quickly and forget quickly. Women on the other hand want to know all the details of what happened, when, where, how, with who, how long, how many times, is she better, blah blah blah. We are so sick ladies! But it's the truth is it not? Don't we as women want to know the details even though we know it will hurt? I think it's because we don't want to be surprised with any other information that may come up in the future. Anyways, I digress; women do take cheating personally and therefore we will NEVER forget.

I don't know maybe I'm the only crazy woman out there that doesn't forget but I doubt it. I think it is honorable to be able to do so and I envy you but I'm not that progressive. I applaud you people out there who are able to forgive and forget because it is easier said than done.
EMM

Your Ex's New Love

I've written a few posts in the past about ex's and the troubles that often comes with them. Today I want to write about the moving on process and what it takes to get there. For the most part, my ex's and I are relatively friendly. I only have one ex I choose to no longer speak to and that's because I felt as though he was a fairly toxic person in my life even after we stopped dating. The only other one I don't speak to is solely based on his choice. I'm not sure why we no longer speak, but I respect his decision and I don't lose any sleep over it. It was recently brought to my attention one of my ex's got married! I was so happy for him and excited that he found someone worthy of his love. I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about this specific topic and she said "I don't care how long it's been I would be upset if any of my ex's got married, even if I was married." I was a little bit surprised at that statement because I can honestly say I am happy for my ex's if they find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. It doesn't bother me one bit because we are ex's for a reason. That doesn't mean I never cared for them, but I am happy with my husband and I wish everyone could feel the love we share.

However, before I was married I would absolutely get jealous if an ex had a new girlfriend in his life. I would diminish our relationship and tear myself up wondering why he chose her over me. Looking back, I think that's fairly normal especially if you loved somebody. In my life I only ever loved one other man and while it was true love it was nothing compared to the love I have with my husband. While looking for pictures relating to this topic I saw a quote that absolutely describes how I feel about this topic specifically.

Doesn't this seem appropriate? It does for me. I dated most of my ex's in high school so the memories I have with them makes me nostalgic. I find now that it's not so much a person I miss but the memories.

I guess to me the only person who would have an impact on me if they got married would be my husband if we ever split. So I understand ex-wive's who get a little hurt by the idea, but as far as ex boyfriends I think it's important to find peace and security within yourself to be able to find happiness within your heart for them and their new love. When you can truly say you are happy for an ex finding true love, I assure you it will make you feel better about yourself. We should all just be happy for one another and let the rest roll off your shoulder.
EMM

Nanny Insight

All throughout college I was a nanny for wealthy Orange County families. I left that work force to move forward towards a career and focus on my husband who at the time was in the military. It wasn't until he was released from the military I went back into the field. I didn't only get back into it because of the amazing money but because I genuinely love working with my children. Here's my insight.....

Orange County, California is a special place my friends. I've lived here for over 8 years now and it never seems to surprise me. It's a fairly large county and just like other areas there are the rich and famous, the rich wannabe famous, and the less than desired areas. Vanity plays a big role in this county and the car you drive, the clothes you wear, the area you live in shows people an insight into who you are. At least, that's how I've always felt. I live in a rather prestigious city, Irvine, where the houses are HUGE and worth millions. We live here because the cost of living is high but that also means the jobs pay more, in terms of childcare.

As a nanny, I have several roles in the homes I've worked in. Sometimes I am solely the nanny, looking after the children and when or if they nap I have time to myself. Those gigs are great, but rare. More often than not I am a nanny/personal assistant/chef/driver/pet sitter. I don't mind all those roles because realistically it's like being a stay at home mom but getting paid to do it.

I went to college, got my degree in child and adolescent development and now I'm a nanny. To me that seems so confusing because shouldn't I be seeking positions in schools, day care centers, after school programs? I could and I have, but I don't make nearly as much as I do as a nanny position. People in Orange County will pay me good money to be a nanny, but even better money because I have my degree and essentially 8 years of nanny experience. I am adult/child/infant CPR/AED/First Aid certified. I interned at 3 different elementary schools. I have worked for 3 different families all giving me tremendous recommendations. I am married which shows I have no problem committing. I don't have children, which means I won't have limitations on travel/sick days, etc. I live in Irvine which means I live close by.  I know the developmental aspects of children. I can teach, I speak English, I have a car, I am insured, am fluent in Spanish, I am the ideal nanny. I have had several offers from families that seem too good to be true but they're not. I have had people offer to buy me cars, pay for my car maintenance and gas, room and board, the works! I even worked for a family for 2 years and would socialize with mom's while waiting to pick up the kids from school. I have had moms (who know I am employed) ask me if I would be willing to come work for them instead. These women are insane!

Here's the thing, none of that matters to me. Yes, the pay is good and necessary and the perks are great too. But to me, the most important aspect of this job is finding a family I connect with. I don't want to work for a family that treats me like "The Help" (which has happened before and never again). I want to work for a family that treats me like a family friend. I wan to work with a family that will allow me to teach and help raise their children. They can offer me all the money in the world but if I don't have that special bond from the first time we speak on the phone, I remove myself as a serious candidate. Ask my husband, after only 10 minutes on the phone with a potential employer I look at him and give him a thumbs up or down. I have been in this industry long enough to know when there is a genuine mom who needs help on the line and when there's a stay at home mom with a 5 year old in kindergarten who needs a full time nanny so she can get her manicures.

I love my job, and yes there are days I want to throw it all away but it's become who I am and what I'm good at. I love my kiddos and my job is one of the most personal jobs you will ever find. I help raise your children into kind, thoughtful, respectful, loving kids. I wouldn't change it for anything else in the world.
EMM

My Baby Brother

My brother is one of a kind. I mean look at that picture! I know people say that all the time about people in their lives and some might be true but seriously, my brother is one of a kind. Let me tell you a little bit about him.

As children we loathed each other. Ok that's too strong of a word we just really didn't get along great. We had our moments but for the most part he was a gigantic pain in my ass! He was very hyper as a child and I was quite the opposite. He was also a boys boy and I was a girls girl and I am 3.5 years older than him so it was rare for us to have similar interest when playing. There was however one game we both seemed to love which was house/school. I'm not quite sure why he liked it, maybe he didn't and I just made him play thinking he enjoyed it. Anyways he used to have these bunk beds with a full or queen size bed below and a twin on top. We would hang sheets and towels to enclose the bottom bunk and make "rooms" to play in. He was always Jake and I was always Christina (I secretly think we both thought we were white as children). Those days playing in his room were some of my fondest memories as a child.

Then we hit our teen years, well I was a teen but he was older. We started getting along so well! We have very similar humor and interest in movies/shows so that bonded us significantly. Every time we see each other we always laugh and laugh because we quote some stupid old ass movie from the 90's (like A Night At The Roxbury). I have the best time when I'm around my brother and that's how our relationship has been for the past 12ish years or so.

Now we are adults with our own lives. We grew up, moved out, work and live daily 100+ miles away from one another. I left for college 8 years ago so it's been like this for awhile. But every time we get back together it's like we pick up where we left off. Recent family events have made it difficult to keep a steady relationship but it doesn't really matter because I know he's always going to be there. He's really good at keeping humor in the mix so even during stressful times he can put a smile on my face. Throughout all of this my husband, brother and mom are the only 3 that have fully supported me and been there for me. To be honest he's one of the few persons I know to keep a clear mind, honest heart and positive outlook on my parent's divorce. I wish I was more like him in that aspect because I think it might make my life less stressful.

So to my brother, I love you more than you know. I admire your strength throughout this entire process. I hope you know that even though we don't see each other or even talk daily I am here for you. I'm so blessed to call you my baby brother. For all my readers out there with siblings, remember that even with the daily stresses of life to keep your relationship strong. They share your childhood memories and support your adulthood choices and dreams.
EMM

Forgiveness

Forgiveness: To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon OR to renounce anger or resentment against.

Most of you don't know the extent of what I have had to deal with this year. Some of you know a few details, some of you know none. I find myself being tested daily, having to find strength I didn't realize I had. Just when I think life couldn't be harder, the universe proves me wrong. Throughout all of this, I have found patience, kindness, bitterness, anger, sadness, resentment, love, strength, faith, hope and forgiveness. I had to find a way to forgive people for their misdoings, harsh words and past mistakes. God has tested my abilities to forgive. Everybody keeps saying forgiveness is more to bring peace to myself, to help myself move forward in life. Except this time, I don't know if I can or want do that. Are there things in life that are just unforgivable? If I eventually find forgiveness, it will certainly not be anytime soon. People can judge me all they want for not forgiving as easily as they have/can/will but to me it's important to find that forgiveness within myself and if that takes 5 months or 5 years, that's what it takes.

There are times in your life when you think "Screw this, I'm done." and recently I have been brought to that point. How much am I supposed to endure? What is the point of this? How are all of these new details of my life going to help me grow as a person? The truth is, there is no point. My life won't benefit from all of this. Life doesn't work that way, it doesn't owe me anything. It's just life.  If anything it makes me more paranoid and makes me realize there are few people in my life that I can trust. The only positive thing about all of this is the strength it has brought me as well as bonding my husband and I even more than I thought possible.

The point of this post is just about forgiveness. Seeking it is one thing, giving it is a whole other issue. I've never been one to hold grudges, resentment or anger. I don't see the purpose in keeping all of those bad emotions inside. I now see things a bit different and feel like forgiveness is a privilege. I have a big enough heart to know that I have the ability to forgive, I'm just not sure if I can do that as easily as some people. All I know is my life is different now. My family is different now. My world is different now and as much as I can forgive, I most certainly will never forget.
EMM