On The Hook

I remember watching and old episode of How I Met Your Mother about some of the main characters keeping someone "on the hook" and the reasons why they did it. First let me explain what "on the hook" means and I'll proceed with the post. Keeping someone on the hook basically means keeping someone around and maybe possibly liking them one day, but not right now. You see sometimes we find a person we think we can be with but at the moment things are not ideal. Regardless of the reasons or motives behind those reasons, we are still hurting another human being by making them think there is still a chance, even if there isn't. Barney from How I Met Your Mother painted the perfect picture about how keeping someone on the hook gives somebody false hope.

                                         
This reminded of a time I had a man, well a boy considering this story is from when we were 16 years old, who absolutely adored me. He was sweet, kind, and a really good friend. I knew he was interested in me and to be fair I tried for months to find hidden feelings for him, but to no avail. He even made me a Kotton Mouth King Cd you guys, and nothing. I must admit, I kept him on the hook for too long, and lead him on a bit because I was trying to figure out my feelings for him, but also because ultimately I knew we were better off friends and letting him "off the hook" so to speak, would require losing a friend I've grown close to. I did end up losing him as a friend over time. Looking back I'm not sure if it was because we'd never be together or what but I lost him. I learned my lesson, and never kept a man on the hook ever again. Of course this whole keeping someone on the line is different for every specific person and situation but I believe there are some common reasons that covers a lot of situations. Here are my personal opinions on why people keep someone "on the hook".

1) They are choosing between you and someone else
I find this is often he case because they aren't committed to either one of you so they find it acceptable to keep you both on the hook until they make their decision. They figure, "What's the harm? We're not exclusive." Now this may be true but if you've been "dating" or "talking" for more than a few months I think it's safe to say you shouldn't be figuring things out with someone else also.


2) Avoid loneliness at all cost
Human beings get lonely and sometimes having that person that adores you, even if you don't necessarily adore them back, can help ease the pain of loneliness. It's really not fair to the person who thinks they may have a shot with you. I must admit I've done this before and I ended up hurting his feelings, and ultimately lost a friend over it years and years ago.

3) Good physical attraction
A lot of people these days hook up with their friends of the opposite sex because they feel they have needs but then it can become more for one person. This is where physical intimacy can cause confusion and heartache when there is no commitment. Keeping someone on the hook for this reason is selfish and really deceiving in my opinion.

4) Mutual friends/Get along with their family
Keeping someone on the hook because you like their family or because you have mutual friends isn't a reason to keep them around if you have no intention of ever being with them. I can personally understand this reason a little bit because I probably stayed in a relationship with someone too long because I loved his family so much. It was hard to let them go but ultimately I couldn't stay with someone simply for this reason; just like you can't keep someone on the hook for this reason as well.

5) They really do just see you as their friend and they don't want to break your heart or lose you
Man this one is so close to my heart because I've both done this to someone else (story from above) and had this happen to me. I really liked this boy back in high school. For years I had a crush on him but we remained friends only for whatever reason. Finally there was a day we had an opportunity to possibly be more but ultimately he wasn't interested. I was heartbroken because I felt like the friendship wouldn't be the same anymore. He was nice about it all, and explained this exact reasoning to me, but I was 15 and immature! I ran to my friends and wallowed in my sorrows.


I'm sure at one point or another we've all been on the hook or kept someone on the hook, especially in our younger years. Hey I'm not judging guys, I've done worse. As long as you aren't out there keeping every person on some sort of hook, I don't think it's the end of the world if you've done this before. If you've been kept on the hook my apologies, and sympathies because I have been where you have been. I have walked off the plank into the deep blue ocean known as the friend zone. That's a whole other topic for a future post....but know you're not alone. Until next time.

xoxo
-e

Don't Shoot For A Rebound

Beware of the rebound relationships ladies and gentleman, and I can say that from full experience. I like the way Mary Russel Mitford identified a rebound relationship. "A rebound relationship is one in which a person is too quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an end of a significant love. People who experience breakups and then immediately involve themselves with another feel the need to prove to themselves they are worthy of love and affection. Whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on self-serving distraction and satisfying personal worth. Nothing is as easy as catching a heart on the rebound." That was me! Still is to some extent if I'm being totally honest, but I'm learning and growing. To me there are three reason why it's best to heal your past hurts before jumping into a new relationship. They're simple and I wish I would have learned this before entering my "rebound" relationship last summer but I take longer to process information. It's almost like having a child who wants to touch the hot stove. It doesn't matter what you say they're not gonna learn until they touch it. Yeah that's me except, I'll touch it a second time just to make sure it's still hot-and then cry when I get burned again. Hey! Don't laugh! I can't be alone....right? Ok so the 3 reasons I believe it's important to stay single and heal your damaged heart from a previous relationship are....

1) Healing takes time...
Remember that song "Breaking up is hard to do"? Man is that the truth or what? You can't expect to be with someone as long as you were and have it end the way it did without taking some time to really heal your heart. Imagine an apple, a perfectly green apple-now if I take it and hit it on the ground, the outside might stay in tact beautifully but the inside is now bruised. It's important to take the time to heal that iniquity otherwise your heart will stay bruised.

2) There's a reason...
There is a reason the old relationship ended and it takes time and self discovery to understand and recognize those reasons (as to not repeat them again). It was easy for me to go from my ex to a new man because he was a distraction from the pain I was feeling. But that's exactly what he was, a distraction, because as soon as I ended that relationship I went back to feeling the pain of the previous relationship, and added new pain from the current one. Rebounds don't help, they just delay the grieving.

3) Your future partner deserves better...
Because breaking up is so hard, if you jump into a new relationship too soon you can unintentionally or unknowingly but definitely unfairly pressure your new partner to compensate you for wounds he or she didn't inflict. This also pressures them to prove they are worthy of your trust when they did nothing wrong. Here's an example, lets say your ex would get drunk every time he went out with his friends so you developed a "norm" so to speak. Well you find a new man who genuinely just loves playing golf with his friends or making music with them but because of the past "norm" you have this stigma attached to men hanging out. It's not the new guys fault-that's all you baby girl! So healing from the past is important for your future.

Let me just say, this is all in an ideal world. I'm not perfect and even after that awful relationship last summer I wanted to jump right back into a new relationship again but by the grace of God, he provided me with time to heal my past hurts. Here is my experience with rebounds.

As you all may have known I was married for nearly 10 years and after we split I went straight to online dating. I met a man who at the time seemed amazing. He was a little older, never married, no kids, established in his career, believed in God, taking care of his ill father I mean he seemed like the perfect man. Little did I know he was also an alcoholic with abusive tendencies and ultimately that is what lead me to move back home. I didn't let myself heal from my past relationship and jumped right into this one only to find myself in a situation I had to move 100+ miles to get out of. After that terrible relationship ended you'd think I would have learned my lesson; but remember, I like to touch a hot stove twice. Except this time God didn't let me because He sent me another man who was wise enough to know better. First and foremost this man believes in and has a relationship with God, he has an amazing relationship with his family (as do I now that we're so close), he is smart, creative, has a heart of gold, ambitious, legitimately musically talented and a sight for sore eyes with tattoos to boot! ::SWOON:: Even after the previous rebound incident, I didn't learn and wanted to jump into a relationship with this new man immediately. To my surprise he said no. Shocked and honestly quite angry, I demanded an answer! You see, he recognized we both needed time to heal from our past relationships and heart problems, so how could I deny that harsh yet honest answer? So we focused on becoming friends and learning about one another without the pressures of a relationship. It's been such a blessing to find someone who wants to get to know me and vice versa as well as making sure we're healed before we commit to one another. If it wasn't for him slowing us down we probably would have been broken up by now but instead we've become the best of friends. Taking things as slowly as we are (no seriously guys we've been "friends" for 9 months) wasn't as important to me at first as it is now. My recovery from my past isn't done yet, so until it is I can't tell you how glad I am to have someone who supports me but doesn't pressure me into anything. He's pretty amazing and I am excited to see what's next with him. That's the difference between a rebound and someone worthy of your time and effort. I'm still not healed from my past relationships but I will be one day and when I am-you guys will be second to hear about it!

xoxo
-e

I'm Back!

It's been a long year my friends, a really long year. I took a break from writing because I've been really focusing myself on God and my personal growth. I've done a lot of soul searching, found a lot of character flaws within myself, and am finally starting to feel a shift in my thinking. That being said I am still Erika and during this whole identity crisis I stopped writing for fear of judgement from those who think that because I love Jesus, I can't also still have sass and an opinion. The truth is I started a new blog solely about my recovery because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And well, one of those character flaws I have is people pleasing, so I shut that one down. What really makes me happy is writing about fun topics that I have experience with. So I am proud to say "E's Thoughts" is back! Enjoy my post.....

I know you're just as excited as I am to know this weeks topic and it's.....terrible first dates. Oh the tangled web we weave when it comes to dating right? I've had some ok first dates and some not ok first dates but there's one that will ALWAYS stand out in my mind because it was just awful. Before I go into detail about my terrible first date I want to share with you, in my experiences, the typical bad first date guys, or if you're a man-gals.

1) The "money is no object" Guy/Gal
This guy takes you to a nice restaurant, and "let's" you order anything you want on the menu, because money is not an issue. This guys flaunts his money around and makes sure you know he can take care of you. Maybe it's because he thinks women love men with money-but in fact we love men who can provide security. If a woman does this she's most likely a fan of Destiny's Child (goodness I'm aging myself here) and being an "Independent Woman"

2) The "I'm still in love with my ex" Guy/Gal
This person...oh this person shouldn't even be on a date. This is the guy/gal who brings up their ex 1 too many times on a first date. We've all been this person, and we've all gone on a bad date with this guy/girl.

3) The "I'm only here for sex" Guy/Gal
Self explanatory.

4) The "I know we just met but I love you" Guy/Gal
This person barely knows you but knows you're the one. How? Um cause you ordered the carnitas platter and that's what THEY were gonna order guys!

5) The "I'm secretly crazy" Guy/Gal
This one is the scariest of all because they're good at hiding their crazy. It's different based on the gender. A man can seem amazing, sweet, kind and perfect, until you actually see the date through. There's usually a red flag like a rude comment he makes to the waiter, leaves mid date, or even gets angry with you on the first date. Women can also seem low maintenance and flexible, loves comic books and thrives in a concert setting, until you actually see the date through. Her red flags come with sending her food back just because the croutons in her salad aren't seasoned right, ordering a super extravagant latte from Starbucks or asking "Is this Iron Man?" when it's really Magneto from the Xmen.

Now that I've given you my top 5 bad date "guy/gal" let me tell you my ultimate bad first date. I met this man on OKCupid last summer and he seemed nice. I liked his pictures and we had been talking on the phone for a couple of days before we went on a date. So he picks me up for our first date **BAD IDEA** and he is not exactly what his pictures looked like-they were clearly a couple of years old. At this point I'm a little irritated but he's not bad looking so I continue with the date. Then I notice he's wearing some unusual sleeves not attached to his shirt so I asked about them and he reveled he has sleeve tattoos he's ashamed of. I immediately think "Oh crap he's a nazi, in a gang, or obsessed with his ex if he's hiding his tattoos. But I love tattoos so I told it didn't bother me; to be honest, those ugly sleeves were worse than the (normal) tats. Anyways we go to lunch and he suddenly can't hold a conversation to save his life! After an awkward lunch I wanted to go home (this is when I learned to take my own damn car from now on) but he wanted to see a movie. So we go to the movie where he proceeds to try and hold my hand. I nicely place his hand back in his lap and continue watching the movie. This guy.....gets pissed! He's like literally huffing and puffing in the theater. He gets up and walks out for what I thought was a calm down bathroom break but he never came back. The movie was paid for and I didn't have a ride yet so I stayed and watched Jake Gyllenhaal kill it in "Southpaw". I ended up having to call a friend to come pick me up, humiliated I just got left at the theater but she cheered me up. I think my favorite part of this entire debacle was that he literally called me two weeks later to ask me out for a second date. Yup. That happened.

So if nothing my bad first date taught me to take my own car. Lesson learned.

Good to be back.
xoxo
-e

My Year in Review

I lost 12 pounds

This might be a long one, folks! I just wanted to prepare you because I'm really not that interesting but today I will be updating you all and reviewing my year for you. Before I do, I just want to let you all know that this may be my last post on E's Thoughts. If nothing else this year has taught me the value of privacy and over sharing details about my life can cause issues I never knew would arise. BTW.....the pictures are in no particular order, just positive things that happened to me this year!

January-May 2015
I threw my back out at the beginning of the year causing me to miss approximately 3 weeks of work, and limiting my movement for about 2 months. During this time I was at my lowest mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, I didn't realize just how much my life was about to change. I began seeking help to maintain my mental and emotional health. After a few months I started feeling like myself again and I began to grow in a different direction than my ex husband. I spent time in the desert away from him to work on myself but it only proved that the distance was a good thing.

June-August 2015

I got a new car!

I won't lie and say that I wasn't quick to jump to divorce. I'm an all or nothing kind of woman, it's not a positive trait to have and I am working on that. Looking back it wasn't fair to my ex but because of my decision he was able to find a woman he is happy with and I have a relationship with my God I've always dreamed of. This summer was hard on me but I was very good at hiding it. At this point in my life I still did not have a solid relationship with God yet, so my decisions were not the best ones. Yes, I had fun going out often but looking back, it was a way to hide and not deal with what was really going on.

September-November 2015

My hero, my rock, my everything, my mother

I moved back to the desert! I am living with family at the moment, but moving back here was by far the best decision of 2015. I reconnected with an old male friend who is makes me excited about my future. Remember I said I'm an all or nothing woman? Well I have never in my life taken things this slow with a man and while we're not together, I am hopeful that one day when we are both ready we will be. For now, I'm just happy to spend time with someone who understands me. September is also when I began attending church and finding my relationship with God.





December 2015

I turned 30!

Found my first wrinkle :(

The most important month for me this year has been December. I turned 30. but most importantly it was just a few short weeks ago that I submitted to God and opened my heart to Him and His plan for me. You see I am a woman who likes to know what's going on, and have controlling tendencies. So it was very hard, VERY VERY VERY hard for me to completely submit to God. I don't know how long it takes the average person but for me, it felt like no matter how hard I tried to let go and let God, there was always something in my heart that held me back. Don't get me wrong I love God, but I wasn't giving Him control because I needed that little bit to feel safe and like my identity wasn't being stolen. Then I heard a man speak at church and something happened. There was a moment that my perspective changed, my attitude changed, my behavior changed (well...they're all changING...I'm always work in progress guys haha) and then my life began to change. The best way to describe what was happening to me was like Jim Carey in the Grinch movie. Remember that part when the little girl did something nice and his broken and small heart started growing? That is what was happening to me! I have a big heart for people in general but I mean for my father, not much was left. I began to consider forgiving my father in that service for his actions, even though he didn't ask for my forgiveness. If you know me at all you know that even CONSIDERING it was a huge step. Then when he didn't call me for my birthday again, I got really sad and angry. Why wasn't he fighting for me?! Why did he abandon me?! Then it hit me....who IS fighting for me? Who DIDN'T abandon me? My God and my mother. I'm not better than God or my mom, I'm not eve close! So what gives me the right not to forgive, to judge and hold anger in my heart? So I forgave my father on December 13th, 2015 just following in His (and my mom's) footsteps. Since I've forgiven my father I have less anxiety and stress and honestly it feels like I can breathe again. This was all through God and his faith in me. That day I vowed to God to change my ways and live a life of love and forgiveness instead of anger and fear. It's only been a few weeks but I have seen the difference in myself. I have motivation for life again, I have motivation to succeed, I have motivation to be a woman that other women aspire to be. By letting go of control and letting God take care of it, I actually FOUND my identity I was so scared to lose. My purpose in this life is to inspire people, children and teens to be more specific. So I hope I can inspire you in some way today, tomorrow, or in 20 years. I'm not perfect, not even close but that's okay with me now. As long as I live a life that I am proud of, and I can reflect at the end of the day and know He is proud of me, that's all I need.

So let's sum this up now shall we?

I finally let go and let God have control.

This year was mostly filled with anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, anxiety, stress, depression and many more negative emotions. But this month alone was filled with hope, love, acceptance, forgiveness and happiness. I know some family and friends have been concerned for me because of the ups and downs I've had all year. I know it's out of love and I thank you for your concern, but let me put your mind at ease. I am doing okay; I promise. Divorce happens, but know I am happy with where my life is going and who I'm going with. I'm not nearly close to working out all of my daddy issues, but I just want you all to know that my happiness is pure of heart and it's all thanks to God. I realize some of you might disagree with my views on faith and that's okay, I respect your views and opinions so I hope you do the same for me. I love you all, I thank you all, and I am beyond excited to see what 2016 holds for me!
EMM

Meow!

I was recently watching an old episode of "King of Queens" about the main female character getting sad because construction workers never catcalled her at the ripping age of 35. I find inspiration from everything and that includes lazy Sunday's at home watching reruns okay guys. It got me thinking, would I miss catcalling if it was no longer allowed or around? I can honestly say that I wouldn't. I don't find the act of catcalling a woman romantic, sweet, or in the slightest way flattering. To me the idea of a man yelling at a woman "Hey mamasita you lookin' good tonight baby girl!" is offensive and rude. How would you like men to yell at your mother, sister or daughters like that? When it comes to other men doing it to their loved ladies blasphemy! However when it comes to them doing it to someone else's mother, sister or daughter you have no issues with it at all. I find that hypocritical and disgusting.

There's also another point my friend made, he's never been around a group of men who catcall women AND get a response. For the most part women are disgusted and appalled by this type of behavior but on the rare occasion you have a girl who finds it flattering and sweet. This girl has low self esteem and is turning any sort of attention she receives as a positive experience. Who know's maybe there are normal women out there who enjoy the act of a man hollering at them to bend over the couch for them. I can see the appeal but only for women who have issues, not for women who have normal or high self esteem. So you know me, I was researching and started browsing through some catcalling videos and this one struck me. It's men's reasoning for catcalling. Here are 2 reasons I found disrespectful and horrid.

1. Ladies, if you don't want to be catcalled stop wearing tight leggings or clothing that makes you susceptible to catcalling. *So basically you're asking for it if you wear leggings*

2. It is my American right to say what I want to say. If you have a good body I should be allowed to tell you. *I'm sorry, WTF? Just because you're an American doesn't give you the right to invade a stranger's personal space and comment on their physical appearance. It's wrong on every level. This includes people who are obese, underweight, tall, short, etc. As an adult there comes a time when you know your behavior is unacceptable and it's clear that this type of behavior is wrong.*

So I guess what I've found is that there are very few women who find catcalling appropriate and flattering, but there are far more women who find it repulsing and invasive. Men, if you want to get a decent woman's attention smile at her and look her in the eyes. Eye contact and a simple hello will go much further than "Damn baby girl you looking fine as hell tonight!" Food for thought

Here's the video that caught my eye Catcalling Video

xoxo
EMM

Idiosyncratic Confessions Part 3

I thought I made this list every year but it's been 2 years since my last one and boy has my life changed So here is my newest list of idiosyncratic confessions. To be fair the last 2 list of confessions I made are still true, and valid to my current life.

2012's confessions....
I've become a very paranoid person when it comes to the safety of my future unborn children. It will be difficult for me to trust anyone except my husband with them.

I never knew I could love a pet as much as I love Heisenberg

I read Cosmo every month, but rarely agree with their articles, it's just fun to read.

I have severe anxiety but only about certain aspects of life.

I LOVE Taylor Swift's "We Will Never Ever Ever" song. Judge me, I don't care.

When I eat french fries I always eat the firm pointy ones first and leave the soggy ones for last, if ever.

My husband recently pointed out I have a weird obsession with different types of blankets. I love them all and have tons!

I get mad when people judge my religious beliefs, marital status or lifestyle but secretly judge them as well :/

I'm still scared shitless of dinosaurs.

I'm easy to scare. I get scared about once a day at random things; noises, my husband, the dog, lights, etc. He literally scared me as I was reading this blog to him, I lost a year of my life!

Even though I've seen every episode of One Tree Hill, I re-watched the entire series on Netflix. I won't say how long that took because I'll look pathetic.

My father is not the man I thought he was.

I've had a kidney stone and seriously debated wanting children. I clearly have a LOW tolerance for pain.

I love champagne.

I believe in mediums, in fact I a have an appointment in 2 weeks for my first reading.

My relationship with my brother-in-law has become one I treasure.

I'm scared I won't succeed in life, just in general.

The smell of the desert after it rains is by far my favorite smell in the world.

When people ask why we don't have children I often say "We just aren't ready" but the truth is we like our lives just as they are right now. We can wait.

Although I fear I won't be able to get pregnant as easily as most women. But it's not something I lost sleep over....yet. 

2015's confessions....
I am a woman of faith and God. Without his mercy I don't think I would be the woman I am today.

I have experienced more love in my 29 years of life than most people do in a lifetime. 

When I drive through a yellow light I tap my windshield 2 times for luck.

I now hate champagne, and love tequila.

I have always been scared to veer from my comfort zone, but I am taking strides in that area. First stride....I got a bob haircut which I have wanted for years but was too afraid of change.

I have been told throughout my life that I am easy to get along with and a good lister. These qualities make for a great therapist so I'm going back to school for my masters in counseling.

I absolutely LOVE leftovers of all kinds.

If I won the lottery I would open up the world's largest no kill animal shelter.

Earthquakes leave me speechless, literally.

Since I've been single I have consistently been told my smile is infectious and lights up a room. I now know it's my best feature.

I finally tried threading my eyebrows and excuse my language but FUCK THAT SHIT!

I absolutely hate when people take forever to back out of their parking spot, especially when they saw you waiting in the first place!

I have 2 piercings in each ear.

I am one of the few women in the world that doesn't find a pedicure relaxing or soothing.

I have met 3 of my soul mates and no, they're not all men. *Side note, I'm not gay or bisexual I'm talking about a cousin.

I much prefer cold weather to hot weather. You can always add layers, but once you're naked you can't cool off much more in the heat.

Working with children is my passion, but I feel that my purpose on this earth is to make people smile.

I am not by any means a judgmental person.

I am gullible to a fault, believing almost everything people say to me because I try to find the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am still scared of dinosaurs, and watching Jurassic World was very difficult for me.

Thanks for reading this years confessions!
EMM

P.S. I Love You

When I see those infamous windmills I am home and I feel comfortable, confident and happy. I feel complete. I feel loved. It's hard to leave this time around. Mostly because my medication is finally starting to take effect and I am becoming the Erika you all know and love. My skin is shedding and my shell is cracking, exposing me to the world as the person I was always meant to be. The final stages of my grown seems to be leading me to my hometown for some reason. I came for just a weekend and ended up staying an entire week. I am not avoiding my home, but this is something I feel the need to do. I have demons in my hometown that I need to conquer and let me tell you, I am conquering! I also feel as sense of independence which I haven't felt in years as I became codependent on Ken. It is important to me to be able to care for myself on my own without relying on anyone else to always pick up the pieces. I'm sure it can be an exhausting job to take care of a loved one without being able to do anything to help them but offer support.

I diverse, back to home. Palm Springs, California or more specifically Cathedral City, California. I'm sure most of you know or at least have heard of the desert. After being here a few days I remembered why I love it so much. Aside from having a lot of old friends here that I can still visit with, it's where I grew up. I also have about 90% of my family that still lives here so it's always exciting to come back and see them all (or at least most of them). Here are some other reason I love this wonderful
hot ass place I call home...

The mountains surrounding the desert area are indescribably beautiful. I will try to paint a picture for you, they are so enchanting. Any direction you look you'll see the majestic mountains making you feel like this little valley is inside a bowl, which is probably one of the reasons it's so hard to leave. It can be the ugliest day of the year weather wise but those mountains make you feel like home. There are point in the valley that you can actually drive up to the edge of the mounting and touch it's hard exterior making this gem of a place I call home even more beautiful.

The after rain smell of the desert is breathtaking. After it rains, there is a local plant that exposes it's smell and it really is amazing. Rare with it being the desert and all but when we get it, you'll notice every local breathing in a little deeper enjoying it while it last.

If you're from here, you always belong here. You will always be a  local, you will always know the same people and you will always be accepted. If you're in Africa and you meet someone from La Quinta you are instantly friends. The reason is because this dessert really is a small area and we all have each other's backs. So meeting someone from this area outside of the desert always puts a smile on my face.

As much as people who are from here complain about it often, we all know that it's home. It's the place we always come back to. I'm happy to be home this week and getting reacquainted with my home town.

xoxo
-EMM