Don't Shoot For A Rebound

Beware of the rebound relationships ladies and gentleman, and I can say that from full experience. I like the way Mary Russel Mitford identified a rebound relationship. "A rebound relationship is one in which a person is too quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an end of a significant love. People who experience breakups and then immediately involve themselves with another feel the need to prove to themselves they are worthy of love and affection. Whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on self-serving distraction and satisfying personal worth. Nothing is as easy as catching a heart on the rebound." That was me! Still is to some extent if I'm being totally honest, but I'm learning and growing. To me there are three reason why it's best to heal your past hurts before jumping into a new relationship. They're simple and I wish I would have learned this before entering my "rebound" relationship last summer but I take longer to process information. It's almost like having a child who wants to touch the hot stove. It doesn't matter what you say they're not gonna learn until they touch it. Yeah that's me except, I'll touch it a second time just to make sure it's still hot-and then cry when I get burned again. Hey! Don't laugh! I can't be alone....right? Ok so the 3 reasons I believe it's important to stay single and heal your damaged heart from a previous relationship are....

1) Healing takes time...
Remember that song "Breaking up is hard to do"? Man is that the truth or what? You can't expect to be with someone as long as you were and have it end the way it did without taking some time to really heal your heart. Imagine an apple, a perfectly green apple-now if I take it and hit it on the ground, the outside might stay in tact beautifully but the inside is now bruised. It's important to take the time to heal that iniquity otherwise your heart will stay bruised.

2) There's a reason...
There is a reason the old relationship ended and it takes time and self discovery to understand and recognize those reasons (as to not repeat them again). It was easy for me to go from my ex to a new man because he was a distraction from the pain I was feeling. But that's exactly what he was, a distraction, because as soon as I ended that relationship I went back to feeling the pain of the previous relationship, and added new pain from the current one. Rebounds don't help, they just delay the grieving.

3) Your future partner deserves better...
Because breaking up is so hard, if you jump into a new relationship too soon you can unintentionally or unknowingly but definitely unfairly pressure your new partner to compensate you for wounds he or she didn't inflict. This also pressures them to prove they are worthy of your trust when they did nothing wrong. Here's an example, lets say your ex would get drunk every time he went out with his friends so you developed a "norm" so to speak. Well you find a new man who genuinely just loves playing golf with his friends or making music with them but because of the past "norm" you have this stigma attached to men hanging out. It's not the new guys fault-that's all you baby girl! So healing from the past is important for your future.

Let me just say, this is all in an ideal world. I'm not perfect and even after that awful relationship last summer I wanted to jump right back into a new relationship again but by the grace of God, he provided me with time to heal my past hurts. Here is my experience with rebounds.

As you all may have known I was married for nearly 10 years and after we split I went straight to online dating. I met a man who at the time seemed amazing. He was a little older, never married, no kids, established in his career, believed in God, taking care of his ill father I mean he seemed like the perfect man. Little did I know he was also an alcoholic with abusive tendencies and ultimately that is what lead me to move back home. I didn't let myself heal from my past relationship and jumped right into this one only to find myself in a situation I had to move 100+ miles to get out of. After that terrible relationship ended you'd think I would have learned my lesson; but remember, I like to touch a hot stove twice. Except this time God didn't let me because He sent me another man who was wise enough to know better. First and foremost this man believes in and has a relationship with God, he has an amazing relationship with his family (as do I now that we're so close), he is smart, creative, has a heart of gold, ambitious, legitimately musically talented and a sight for sore eyes with tattoos to boot! ::SWOON:: Even after the previous rebound incident, I didn't learn and wanted to jump into a relationship with this new man immediately. To my surprise he said no. Shocked and honestly quite angry, I demanded an answer! You see, he recognized we both needed time to heal from our past relationships and heart problems, so how could I deny that harsh yet honest answer? So we focused on becoming friends and learning about one another without the pressures of a relationship. It's been such a blessing to find someone who wants to get to know me and vice versa as well as making sure we're healed before we commit to one another. If it wasn't for him slowing us down we probably would have been broken up by now but instead we've become the best of friends. Taking things as slowly as we are (no seriously guys we've been "friends" for 9 months) wasn't as important to me at first as it is now. My recovery from my past isn't done yet, so until it is I can't tell you how glad I am to have someone who supports me but doesn't pressure me into anything. He's pretty amazing and I am excited to see what's next with him. That's the difference between a rebound and someone worthy of your time and effort. I'm still not healed from my past relationships but I will be one day and when I am-you guys will be second to hear about it!

xoxo
-e