On The Hook

I remember watching and old episode of How I Met Your Mother about some of the main characters keeping someone "on the hook" and the reasons why they did it. First let me explain what "on the hook" means and I'll proceed with the post. Keeping someone on the hook basically means keeping someone around and maybe possibly liking them one day, but not right now. You see sometimes we find a person we think we can be with but at the moment things are not ideal. Regardless of the reasons or motives behind those reasons, we are still hurting another human being by making them think there is still a chance, even if there isn't. Barney from How I Met Your Mother painted the perfect picture about how keeping someone on the hook gives somebody false hope.

                                         
This reminded of a time I had a man, well a boy considering this story is from when we were 16 years old, who absolutely adored me. He was sweet, kind, and a really good friend. I knew he was interested in me and to be fair I tried for months to find hidden feelings for him, but to no avail. He even made me a Kotton Mouth King Cd you guys, and nothing. I must admit, I kept him on the hook for too long, and lead him on a bit because I was trying to figure out my feelings for him, but also because ultimately I knew we were better off friends and letting him "off the hook" so to speak, would require losing a friend I've grown close to. I did end up losing him as a friend over time. Looking back I'm not sure if it was because we'd never be together or what but I lost him. I learned my lesson, and never kept a man on the hook ever again. Of course this whole keeping someone on the line is different for every specific person and situation but I believe there are some common reasons that covers a lot of situations. Here are my personal opinions on why people keep someone "on the hook".

1) They are choosing between you and someone else
I find this is often he case because they aren't committed to either one of you so they find it acceptable to keep you both on the hook until they make their decision. They figure, "What's the harm? We're not exclusive." Now this may be true but if you've been "dating" or "talking" for more than a few months I think it's safe to say you shouldn't be figuring things out with someone else also.


2) Avoid loneliness at all cost
Human beings get lonely and sometimes having that person that adores you, even if you don't necessarily adore them back, can help ease the pain of loneliness. It's really not fair to the person who thinks they may have a shot with you. I must admit I've done this before and I ended up hurting his feelings, and ultimately lost a friend over it years and years ago.

3) Good physical attraction
A lot of people these days hook up with their friends of the opposite sex because they feel they have needs but then it can become more for one person. This is where physical intimacy can cause confusion and heartache when there is no commitment. Keeping someone on the hook for this reason is selfish and really deceiving in my opinion.

4) Mutual friends/Get along with their family
Keeping someone on the hook because you like their family or because you have mutual friends isn't a reason to keep them around if you have no intention of ever being with them. I can personally understand this reason a little bit because I probably stayed in a relationship with someone too long because I loved his family so much. It was hard to let them go but ultimately I couldn't stay with someone simply for this reason; just like you can't keep someone on the hook for this reason as well.

5) They really do just see you as their friend and they don't want to break your heart or lose you
Man this one is so close to my heart because I've both done this to someone else (story from above) and had this happen to me. I really liked this boy back in high school. For years I had a crush on him but we remained friends only for whatever reason. Finally there was a day we had an opportunity to possibly be more but ultimately he wasn't interested. I was heartbroken because I felt like the friendship wouldn't be the same anymore. He was nice about it all, and explained this exact reasoning to me, but I was 15 and immature! I ran to my friends and wallowed in my sorrows.


I'm sure at one point or another we've all been on the hook or kept someone on the hook, especially in our younger years. Hey I'm not judging guys, I've done worse. As long as you aren't out there keeping every person on some sort of hook, I don't think it's the end of the world if you've done this before. If you've been kept on the hook my apologies, and sympathies because I have been where you have been. I have walked off the plank into the deep blue ocean known as the friend zone. That's a whole other topic for a future post....but know you're not alone. Until next time.

xoxo
-e

Don't Shoot For A Rebound

Beware of the rebound relationships ladies and gentleman, and I can say that from full experience. I like the way Mary Russel Mitford identified a rebound relationship. "A rebound relationship is one in which a person is too quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an end of a significant love. People who experience breakups and then immediately involve themselves with another feel the need to prove to themselves they are worthy of love and affection. Whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on self-serving distraction and satisfying personal worth. Nothing is as easy as catching a heart on the rebound." That was me! Still is to some extent if I'm being totally honest, but I'm learning and growing. To me there are three reason why it's best to heal your past hurts before jumping into a new relationship. They're simple and I wish I would have learned this before entering my "rebound" relationship last summer but I take longer to process information. It's almost like having a child who wants to touch the hot stove. It doesn't matter what you say they're not gonna learn until they touch it. Yeah that's me except, I'll touch it a second time just to make sure it's still hot-and then cry when I get burned again. Hey! Don't laugh! I can't be alone....right? Ok so the 3 reasons I believe it's important to stay single and heal your damaged heart from a previous relationship are....

1) Healing takes time...
Remember that song "Breaking up is hard to do"? Man is that the truth or what? You can't expect to be with someone as long as you were and have it end the way it did without taking some time to really heal your heart. Imagine an apple, a perfectly green apple-now if I take it and hit it on the ground, the outside might stay in tact beautifully but the inside is now bruised. It's important to take the time to heal that iniquity otherwise your heart will stay bruised.

2) There's a reason...
There is a reason the old relationship ended and it takes time and self discovery to understand and recognize those reasons (as to not repeat them again). It was easy for me to go from my ex to a new man because he was a distraction from the pain I was feeling. But that's exactly what he was, a distraction, because as soon as I ended that relationship I went back to feeling the pain of the previous relationship, and added new pain from the current one. Rebounds don't help, they just delay the grieving.

3) Your future partner deserves better...
Because breaking up is so hard, if you jump into a new relationship too soon you can unintentionally or unknowingly but definitely unfairly pressure your new partner to compensate you for wounds he or she didn't inflict. This also pressures them to prove they are worthy of your trust when they did nothing wrong. Here's an example, lets say your ex would get drunk every time he went out with his friends so you developed a "norm" so to speak. Well you find a new man who genuinely just loves playing golf with his friends or making music with them but because of the past "norm" you have this stigma attached to men hanging out. It's not the new guys fault-that's all you baby girl! So healing from the past is important for your future.

Let me just say, this is all in an ideal world. I'm not perfect and even after that awful relationship last summer I wanted to jump right back into a new relationship again but by the grace of God, he provided me with time to heal my past hurts. Here is my experience with rebounds.

As you all may have known I was married for nearly 10 years and after we split I went straight to online dating. I met a man who at the time seemed amazing. He was a little older, never married, no kids, established in his career, believed in God, taking care of his ill father I mean he seemed like the perfect man. Little did I know he was also an alcoholic with abusive tendencies and ultimately that is what lead me to move back home. I didn't let myself heal from my past relationship and jumped right into this one only to find myself in a situation I had to move 100+ miles to get out of. After that terrible relationship ended you'd think I would have learned my lesson; but remember, I like to touch a hot stove twice. Except this time God didn't let me because He sent me another man who was wise enough to know better. First and foremost this man believes in and has a relationship with God, he has an amazing relationship with his family (as do I now that we're so close), he is smart, creative, has a heart of gold, ambitious, legitimately musically talented and a sight for sore eyes with tattoos to boot! ::SWOON:: Even after the previous rebound incident, I didn't learn and wanted to jump into a relationship with this new man immediately. To my surprise he said no. Shocked and honestly quite angry, I demanded an answer! You see, he recognized we both needed time to heal from our past relationships and heart problems, so how could I deny that harsh yet honest answer? So we focused on becoming friends and learning about one another without the pressures of a relationship. It's been such a blessing to find someone who wants to get to know me and vice versa as well as making sure we're healed before we commit to one another. If it wasn't for him slowing us down we probably would have been broken up by now but instead we've become the best of friends. Taking things as slowly as we are (no seriously guys we've been "friends" for 9 months) wasn't as important to me at first as it is now. My recovery from my past isn't done yet, so until it is I can't tell you how glad I am to have someone who supports me but doesn't pressure me into anything. He's pretty amazing and I am excited to see what's next with him. That's the difference between a rebound and someone worthy of your time and effort. I'm still not healed from my past relationships but I will be one day and when I am-you guys will be second to hear about it!

xoxo
-e

I'm Back!

It's been a long year my friends, a really long year. I took a break from writing because I've been really focusing myself on God and my personal growth. I've done a lot of soul searching, found a lot of character flaws within myself, and am finally starting to feel a shift in my thinking. That being said I am still Erika and during this whole identity crisis I stopped writing for fear of judgement from those who think that because I love Jesus, I can't also still have sass and an opinion. The truth is I started a new blog solely about my recovery because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And well, one of those character flaws I have is people pleasing, so I shut that one down. What really makes me happy is writing about fun topics that I have experience with. So I am proud to say "E's Thoughts" is back! Enjoy my post.....

I know you're just as excited as I am to know this weeks topic and it's.....terrible first dates. Oh the tangled web we weave when it comes to dating right? I've had some ok first dates and some not ok first dates but there's one that will ALWAYS stand out in my mind because it was just awful. Before I go into detail about my terrible first date I want to share with you, in my experiences, the typical bad first date guys, or if you're a man-gals.

1) The "money is no object" Guy/Gal
This guy takes you to a nice restaurant, and "let's" you order anything you want on the menu, because money is not an issue. This guys flaunts his money around and makes sure you know he can take care of you. Maybe it's because he thinks women love men with money-but in fact we love men who can provide security. If a woman does this she's most likely a fan of Destiny's Child (goodness I'm aging myself here) and being an "Independent Woman"

2) The "I'm still in love with my ex" Guy/Gal
This person...oh this person shouldn't even be on a date. This is the guy/gal who brings up their ex 1 too many times on a first date. We've all been this person, and we've all gone on a bad date with this guy/girl.

3) The "I'm only here for sex" Guy/Gal
Self explanatory.

4) The "I know we just met but I love you" Guy/Gal
This person barely knows you but knows you're the one. How? Um cause you ordered the carnitas platter and that's what THEY were gonna order guys!

5) The "I'm secretly crazy" Guy/Gal
This one is the scariest of all because they're good at hiding their crazy. It's different based on the gender. A man can seem amazing, sweet, kind and perfect, until you actually see the date through. There's usually a red flag like a rude comment he makes to the waiter, leaves mid date, or even gets angry with you on the first date. Women can also seem low maintenance and flexible, loves comic books and thrives in a concert setting, until you actually see the date through. Her red flags come with sending her food back just because the croutons in her salad aren't seasoned right, ordering a super extravagant latte from Starbucks or asking "Is this Iron Man?" when it's really Magneto from the Xmen.

Now that I've given you my top 5 bad date "guy/gal" let me tell you my ultimate bad first date. I met this man on OKCupid last summer and he seemed nice. I liked his pictures and we had been talking on the phone for a couple of days before we went on a date. So he picks me up for our first date **BAD IDEA** and he is not exactly what his pictures looked like-they were clearly a couple of years old. At this point I'm a little irritated but he's not bad looking so I continue with the date. Then I notice he's wearing some unusual sleeves not attached to his shirt so I asked about them and he reveled he has sleeve tattoos he's ashamed of. I immediately think "Oh crap he's a nazi, in a gang, or obsessed with his ex if he's hiding his tattoos. But I love tattoos so I told it didn't bother me; to be honest, those ugly sleeves were worse than the (normal) tats. Anyways we go to lunch and he suddenly can't hold a conversation to save his life! After an awkward lunch I wanted to go home (this is when I learned to take my own damn car from now on) but he wanted to see a movie. So we go to the movie where he proceeds to try and hold my hand. I nicely place his hand back in his lap and continue watching the movie. This guy.....gets pissed! He's like literally huffing and puffing in the theater. He gets up and walks out for what I thought was a calm down bathroom break but he never came back. The movie was paid for and I didn't have a ride yet so I stayed and watched Jake Gyllenhaal kill it in "Southpaw". I ended up having to call a friend to come pick me up, humiliated I just got left at the theater but she cheered me up. I think my favorite part of this entire debacle was that he literally called me two weeks later to ask me out for a second date. Yup. That happened.

So if nothing my bad first date taught me to take my own car. Lesson learned.

Good to be back.
xoxo
-e

My Year in Review

I lost 12 pounds

This might be a long one, folks! I just wanted to prepare you because I'm really not that interesting but today I will be updating you all and reviewing my year for you. Before I do, I just want to let you all know that this may be my last post on E's Thoughts. If nothing else this year has taught me the value of privacy and over sharing details about my life can cause issues I never knew would arise. BTW.....the pictures are in no particular order, just positive things that happened to me this year!

January-May 2015
I threw my back out at the beginning of the year causing me to miss approximately 3 weeks of work, and limiting my movement for about 2 months. During this time I was at my lowest mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, I didn't realize just how much my life was about to change. I began seeking help to maintain my mental and emotional health. After a few months I started feeling like myself again and I began to grow in a different direction than my ex husband. I spent time in the desert away from him to work on myself but it only proved that the distance was a good thing.

June-August 2015

I got a new car!

I won't lie and say that I wasn't quick to jump to divorce. I'm an all or nothing kind of woman, it's not a positive trait to have and I am working on that. Looking back it wasn't fair to my ex but because of my decision he was able to find a woman he is happy with and I have a relationship with my God I've always dreamed of. This summer was hard on me but I was very good at hiding it. At this point in my life I still did not have a solid relationship with God yet, so my decisions were not the best ones. Yes, I had fun going out often but looking back, it was a way to hide and not deal with what was really going on.

September-November 2015

My hero, my rock, my everything, my mother

I moved back to the desert! I am living with family at the moment, but moving back here was by far the best decision of 2015. I reconnected with an old male friend who is makes me excited about my future. Remember I said I'm an all or nothing woman? Well I have never in my life taken things this slow with a man and while we're not together, I am hopeful that one day when we are both ready we will be. For now, I'm just happy to spend time with someone who understands me. September is also when I began attending church and finding my relationship with God.





December 2015

I turned 30!

Found my first wrinkle :(

The most important month for me this year has been December. I turned 30. but most importantly it was just a few short weeks ago that I submitted to God and opened my heart to Him and His plan for me. You see I am a woman who likes to know what's going on, and have controlling tendencies. So it was very hard, VERY VERY VERY hard for me to completely submit to God. I don't know how long it takes the average person but for me, it felt like no matter how hard I tried to let go and let God, there was always something in my heart that held me back. Don't get me wrong I love God, but I wasn't giving Him control because I needed that little bit to feel safe and like my identity wasn't being stolen. Then I heard a man speak at church and something happened. There was a moment that my perspective changed, my attitude changed, my behavior changed (well...they're all changING...I'm always work in progress guys haha) and then my life began to change. The best way to describe what was happening to me was like Jim Carey in the Grinch movie. Remember that part when the little girl did something nice and his broken and small heart started growing? That is what was happening to me! I have a big heart for people in general but I mean for my father, not much was left. I began to consider forgiving my father in that service for his actions, even though he didn't ask for my forgiveness. If you know me at all you know that even CONSIDERING it was a huge step. Then when he didn't call me for my birthday again, I got really sad and angry. Why wasn't he fighting for me?! Why did he abandon me?! Then it hit me....who IS fighting for me? Who DIDN'T abandon me? My God and my mother. I'm not better than God or my mom, I'm not eve close! So what gives me the right not to forgive, to judge and hold anger in my heart? So I forgave my father on December 13th, 2015 just following in His (and my mom's) footsteps. Since I've forgiven my father I have less anxiety and stress and honestly it feels like I can breathe again. This was all through God and his faith in me. That day I vowed to God to change my ways and live a life of love and forgiveness instead of anger and fear. It's only been a few weeks but I have seen the difference in myself. I have motivation for life again, I have motivation to succeed, I have motivation to be a woman that other women aspire to be. By letting go of control and letting God take care of it, I actually FOUND my identity I was so scared to lose. My purpose in this life is to inspire people, children and teens to be more specific. So I hope I can inspire you in some way today, tomorrow, or in 20 years. I'm not perfect, not even close but that's okay with me now. As long as I live a life that I am proud of, and I can reflect at the end of the day and know He is proud of me, that's all I need.

So let's sum this up now shall we?

I finally let go and let God have control.

This year was mostly filled with anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, anxiety, stress, depression and many more negative emotions. But this month alone was filled with hope, love, acceptance, forgiveness and happiness. I know some family and friends have been concerned for me because of the ups and downs I've had all year. I know it's out of love and I thank you for your concern, but let me put your mind at ease. I am doing okay; I promise. Divorce happens, but know I am happy with where my life is going and who I'm going with. I'm not nearly close to working out all of my daddy issues, but I just want you all to know that my happiness is pure of heart and it's all thanks to God. I realize some of you might disagree with my views on faith and that's okay, I respect your views and opinions so I hope you do the same for me. I love you all, I thank you all, and I am beyond excited to see what 2016 holds for me!
EMM

Meow!

I was recently watching an old episode of "King of Queens" about the main female character getting sad because construction workers never catcalled her at the ripping age of 35. I find inspiration from everything and that includes lazy Sunday's at home watching reruns okay guys. It got me thinking, would I miss catcalling if it was no longer allowed or around? I can honestly say that I wouldn't. I don't find the act of catcalling a woman romantic, sweet, or in the slightest way flattering. To me the idea of a man yelling at a woman "Hey mamasita you lookin' good tonight baby girl!" is offensive and rude. How would you like men to yell at your mother, sister or daughters like that? When it comes to other men doing it to their loved ladies blasphemy! However when it comes to them doing it to someone else's mother, sister or daughter you have no issues with it at all. I find that hypocritical and disgusting.

There's also another point my friend made, he's never been around a group of men who catcall women AND get a response. For the most part women are disgusted and appalled by this type of behavior but on the rare occasion you have a girl who finds it flattering and sweet. This girl has low self esteem and is turning any sort of attention she receives as a positive experience. Who know's maybe there are normal women out there who enjoy the act of a man hollering at them to bend over the couch for them. I can see the appeal but only for women who have issues, not for women who have normal or high self esteem. So you know me, I was researching and started browsing through some catcalling videos and this one struck me. It's men's reasoning for catcalling. Here are 2 reasons I found disrespectful and horrid.

1. Ladies, if you don't want to be catcalled stop wearing tight leggings or clothing that makes you susceptible to catcalling. *So basically you're asking for it if you wear leggings*

2. It is my American right to say what I want to say. If you have a good body I should be allowed to tell you. *I'm sorry, WTF? Just because you're an American doesn't give you the right to invade a stranger's personal space and comment on their physical appearance. It's wrong on every level. This includes people who are obese, underweight, tall, short, etc. As an adult there comes a time when you know your behavior is unacceptable and it's clear that this type of behavior is wrong.*

So I guess what I've found is that there are very few women who find catcalling appropriate and flattering, but there are far more women who find it repulsing and invasive. Men, if you want to get a decent woman's attention smile at her and look her in the eyes. Eye contact and a simple hello will go much further than "Damn baby girl you looking fine as hell tonight!" Food for thought

Here's the video that caught my eye Catcalling Video

xoxo
EMM

Idiosyncratic Confessions Part 3

I thought I made this list every year but it's been 2 years since my last one and boy has my life changed So here is my newest list of idiosyncratic confessions. To be fair the last 2 list of confessions I made are still true, and valid to my current life.

2012's confessions....
I've become a very paranoid person when it comes to the safety of my future unborn children. It will be difficult for me to trust anyone except my husband with them.

I never knew I could love a pet as much as I love Heisenberg

I read Cosmo every month, but rarely agree with their articles, it's just fun to read.

I have severe anxiety but only about certain aspects of life.

I LOVE Taylor Swift's "We Will Never Ever Ever" song. Judge me, I don't care.

When I eat french fries I always eat the firm pointy ones first and leave the soggy ones for last, if ever.

My husband recently pointed out I have a weird obsession with different types of blankets. I love them all and have tons!

I get mad when people judge my religious beliefs, marital status or lifestyle but secretly judge them as well :/

I'm still scared shitless of dinosaurs.

I'm easy to scare. I get scared about once a day at random things; noises, my husband, the dog, lights, etc. He literally scared me as I was reading this blog to him, I lost a year of my life!

Even though I've seen every episode of One Tree Hill, I re-watched the entire series on Netflix. I won't say how long that took because I'll look pathetic.

My father is not the man I thought he was.

I've had a kidney stone and seriously debated wanting children. I clearly have a LOW tolerance for pain.

I love champagne.

I believe in mediums, in fact I a have an appointment in 2 weeks for my first reading.

My relationship with my brother-in-law has become one I treasure.

I'm scared I won't succeed in life, just in general.

The smell of the desert after it rains is by far my favorite smell in the world.

When people ask why we don't have children I often say "We just aren't ready" but the truth is we like our lives just as they are right now. We can wait.

Although I fear I won't be able to get pregnant as easily as most women. But it's not something I lost sleep over....yet. 

2015's confessions....
I am a woman of faith and God. Without his mercy I don't think I would be the woman I am today.

I have experienced more love in my 29 years of life than most people do in a lifetime. 

When I drive through a yellow light I tap my windshield 2 times for luck.

I now hate champagne, and love tequila.

I have always been scared to veer from my comfort zone, but I am taking strides in that area. First stride....I got a bob haircut which I have wanted for years but was too afraid of change.

I have been told throughout my life that I am easy to get along with and a good lister. These qualities make for a great therapist so I'm going back to school for my masters in counseling.

I absolutely LOVE leftovers of all kinds.

If I won the lottery I would open up the world's largest no kill animal shelter.

Earthquakes leave me speechless, literally.

Since I've been single I have consistently been told my smile is infectious and lights up a room. I now know it's my best feature.

I finally tried threading my eyebrows and excuse my language but FUCK THAT SHIT!

I absolutely hate when people take forever to back out of their parking spot, especially when they saw you waiting in the first place!

I have 2 piercings in each ear.

I am one of the few women in the world that doesn't find a pedicure relaxing or soothing.

I have met 3 of my soul mates and no, they're not all men. *Side note, I'm not gay or bisexual I'm talking about a cousin.

I much prefer cold weather to hot weather. You can always add layers, but once you're naked you can't cool off much more in the heat.

Working with children is my passion, but I feel that my purpose on this earth is to make people smile.

I am not by any means a judgmental person.

I am gullible to a fault, believing almost everything people say to me because I try to find the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am still scared of dinosaurs, and watching Jurassic World was very difficult for me.

Thanks for reading this years confessions!
EMM

P.S. I Love You

When I see those infamous windmills I am home and I feel comfortable, confident and happy. I feel complete. I feel loved. It's hard to leave this time around. Mostly because my medication is finally starting to take effect and I am becoming the Erika you all know and love. My skin is shedding and my shell is cracking, exposing me to the world as the person I was always meant to be. The final stages of my grown seems to be leading me to my hometown for some reason. I came for just a weekend and ended up staying an entire week. I am not avoiding my home, but this is something I feel the need to do. I have demons in my hometown that I need to conquer and let me tell you, I am conquering! I also feel as sense of independence which I haven't felt in years as I became codependent on Ken. It is important to me to be able to care for myself on my own without relying on anyone else to always pick up the pieces. I'm sure it can be an exhausting job to take care of a loved one without being able to do anything to help them but offer support.

I diverse, back to home. Palm Springs, California or more specifically Cathedral City, California. I'm sure most of you know or at least have heard of the desert. After being here a few days I remembered why I love it so much. Aside from having a lot of old friends here that I can still visit with, it's where I grew up. I also have about 90% of my family that still lives here so it's always exciting to come back and see them all (or at least most of them). Here are some other reason I love this wonderful
hot ass place I call home...

The mountains surrounding the desert area are indescribably beautiful. I will try to paint a picture for you, they are so enchanting. Any direction you look you'll see the majestic mountains making you feel like this little valley is inside a bowl, which is probably one of the reasons it's so hard to leave. It can be the ugliest day of the year weather wise but those mountains make you feel like home. There are point in the valley that you can actually drive up to the edge of the mounting and touch it's hard exterior making this gem of a place I call home even more beautiful.

The after rain smell of the desert is breathtaking. After it rains, there is a local plant that exposes it's smell and it really is amazing. Rare with it being the desert and all but when we get it, you'll notice every local breathing in a little deeper enjoying it while it last.

If you're from here, you always belong here. You will always be a  local, you will always know the same people and you will always be accepted. If you're in Africa and you meet someone from La Quinta you are instantly friends. The reason is because this dessert really is a small area and we all have each other's backs. So meeting someone from this area outside of the desert always puts a smile on my face.

As much as people who are from here complain about it often, we all know that it's home. It's the place we always come back to. I'm happy to be home this week and getting reacquainted with my home town.

xoxo
-EMM

Eyes For You

Is love at first sight real? I like many of you call bullshit. I decided to look into it so I did the research and it turns out that it does exist (with contingencies). The idea of love at first sight is that you see someone in the corner of the room, lock eyes and think "Wow, I'm gonna make babies with that person!" Because the truth of the matter and science is that we pick our mates based on our natural instinct to procreate with that person.

After doing some of the research I found the less than 10% of all married couples said that they experienced love at first sight with their spouse. So the contingency with "love at first sight" is that while it has been experienced by many people, the longevity of that relationship cannot be determined by the initial meeting. This means that while I fell in love at first sight, that doesn't mean your relationship will last. That's great, but not what I wanted to know. I simply wanted to know that it is real. Turns out, it is.

Along with providing some information on the topic I always like to implement my own personal life into these topics. I know that's really what you all want to read about, my juicy stories. This topic however isn't that juicy. I have never fallen in love at first sight. I have fallen in lust at first sight, but not love. I personally think that you need to get to know someone over time before you can really say you love them. I can look at David Beckam and tell him I love him at first sight but then he'll tell me 10 years into marriage that he likes Dane Cook. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO LIKES DANE COOK! Boom, divorce! Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high, because people rush into marriage. I'm not one to talk because I married my ex-husband after only 2 years of dating but I've known him since we were in 2nd grade, that's a lifetime of tiny pieces of information I knew about him before we got married. You know that saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? Well I think that goes with dating and seeing somebody for the first time. For example, I walk into the restaurant to meet the man I was set up with and he's not my type, physically. I would never walk out of the restaurant because he may have an amazing personality. I think over time people start to find their mates attractive even if they weren't initially attracted to that person. That being said, I also don't think I could ever fall in love with a man solely based on his looks. I like to think I'm not that naive or vain.

So while I don't think I could ever fall in love at first sight, that doesn't mean I don't respect those who do. There are plenty of people who say "We met, got married 2 months into the relationship." They may have a wonderful and fulfilling life surrounded by love fro their spouse. When I hear those stories, this is why I think...Wow, I wish I had balls like that. I wouldn't even commit to a puppy until year 7 of my marriage. Kudos to those who know what they want but that is just not for me.

I just think it's great to fall in love in general. At first, later, young, old, man, woman, whatever. Love is what makes life worth living so if you find someone worthy of your love, who cares when, how or why you're in love. Just make sure to love.
EMM

It's Been Awhile...

Where do I begin? I noticed a few weeks ago that it had been 8 months since I last wrote in my blog. While I can come up with excuse after excuse the real reason is I am sick.

I've mentioned before and I will say it again, you all know that I have had issues with my father over the last few years. It's no secret that I no longer talk to him and have not spoken to him since August 27th, 2012. That is a personal choice of mine and it is something I have to live with everyday. So far, it's been really easy not talking to him. I never thought I'd be one of those people who write people off this easily but he did something so bad that I had to cut ties. He betrayed me, my mom, my brother, and many many more people. I've been refraining from writing about this for fear that my relationship with some family members might disappear. After my experience the last few weeks, it's time for me to reveal the truth. I'm not even sure many people DON'T already know this, it's been getting around but I know by writing this, some people may now understand why I made the choices I made.

August 2012 I got a call from my mother breaking the news to me. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I had to call dad because there are terrible rumors going on about one of the most important men in my life. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. Basically I asked him

"Did you molest this person?"-Erika
"Yes."-Father

The conversation was obviously more intense but that's all I needed to hear. "Yes." He admitted it to me. He admitted that he hurt a lot of people I love and care for. He hurt people that were children at one point over another. Over the course of 2.5 years several other victims have come forward stating he did the same thing to them when they were children. This goes back 26+ years. What's worse, is that he denied the truth to many people in my family making me look like I (and the victims) were liars. These were all "accusations" according to my father. It was him versus them and there was no way he would ever admit to it to a person who would actually do something about it. Sadly, there is nothing I can do about it. To my current recollection I was never molested by my father as a child. Sometimes, I wish I was because I know that I would have done something about it and saved a lot of other people's misery. I could take away all of their pain and I could put him where he belongs. In jail.

Who was this man? Anyone who knows me knows that I was a daddy's girl. Look it up in the dictionary and there was a picture of me. I put him on the highest pedestal I could find, the highest horse, he was my superhero! No he was not, he is not and he will never be my superhero. This is who he really is.

My father is a child molester.
My father is a rapist.
My father is a cheater.
My father is a liar.
My father is not my father anymore.

So where does the "I was sick" part come in Erika? Well it all started toward the end of February 2015. I was digging myself into this deep hole and hiding where nobody could find my true feelings and emotions because they wouldn't understand. I was digging and digging passing by each day as if everything was fine, until it wasn't. I had a mental breakdown and essentially had to seek immediate help as I was having suicidal thoughts. Persistent and worsening suicidal thoughts. Now I am a smart woman, I knew that 1. I couldn't do that to the people I love, but new that the thoughts I was having were too severe for me to feel like it was just a bad day. 2. I had to seek serious help. I couldn't let myself get this low. So I went on disability and have been seeking treatment from 3 different doctors. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, a mood disorder and severe anxiety. Yes, I was on medication for the anxiety before all of this happened because I would talk to my primary care physician every few months and she would give me the basic help I needed hoping it would help. When I went to her in a terrible state she sought out a therapist and psychiatrist that could help me with the deeper issues. I haven't looked back since.

Over past few weeks I have had my medication monitored and adjusted several times. I still have not found the right dosage and combination that suit my specific illnesses. It's all trial and error at this point because everybody's body and chemistry is different. I have also had additional traumatizing events happen as well. My mother in law passed away, my nephew passed away, I stress about losing my job, my father emailed me, etc. It's stuff that I need to learn to deal with and manage in a healthy way. You see the best way I can explain how I feel on a daily basis is this picture.

All of the emotions or thoughts after "I'm tired of" are what I feel constantly. No really, I feel like this ALL OF THE TIME. The medication and therapy over time are supposed to help with this. So far it has gone from a 10 to a 7. I need to get down to a zero, and that will take time. I know it will and I know it takes work but I will get there. When a distressful situation occurs I need to learn to manage my thoughts, especially about myself, and move forward. This is something most of you reading this can already do. This is still something I cannot do.

Along with all the shit that has happened lately I still had not really dealt with my father issues (side note, OMG I am a woman with daddy issues). Now that I am a lot has come out in therapy that is hard to deal with but helping. Little by little I am getting there. It's hard to explain to people how this is considered "sick" but it really is. I don't have cancer, or broke my leg in a car accident, but I have PTSD, anxiety and a mood disorder. They are serious illnesses that I need to manage and deal with.

So now that I have shared the truth about my father and myself, it's time for me to post this. It's a big step. But here I go.

EMM

Muah!

Ahhhh your first kiss. Take a moment to think about that memory. Go ahead, I'll give you a second.....

It was 1998. I was 13 years old. I was dating an 8th grader named David. He was soooooo cute you guys. We were in the band room, alone, and then he leaned in and kissed me! Not just kissed me, but FRENCH kissed me! I was so surprised because I never had that talk with my mom and my friends never told me about the tongue part! Looking back it was really not good, but we were young so who cares. It was the only time in our 3ish month relationship that we kissed. I think back on that memory and I smile because I was so young and blissful and I am glad I had a typical preteen moment.

Fast forward a year later to the time I kissed a boy I really liked, a real boyfriend. He was a year older than me and we met through mutual friends. I was sleeping over at my girlfriends house and her brother had his friend sleep over too, which is how I met B. I was instantly into him because he was hysterically funny! I laughed my ass off that night and every day I was with him since. I cheated on him with a boy in my grade and we broke up BUT got back together 3 years later, the summer going into my senior year. So our first kiss was in 1999 at Big League Dreams (a local baseball field park) inside the indoor soccer tent at night while it was closed. He leaned in to kiss me and I was swept off my feet! I couldn't believe a boy could make me feel like that. While I had been kissed before, it didn't compare to this kiss.

Fast forward to my first kiss with my husband in July 2005. I was hooked immediately. I've known my husband for 20 years but we  didn't start dating in until mid 2005. I drove 3 hours in the middle of the night to see him after we'd been talking for a couple of weeks. The first night I saw him we went to his barracks room and talked. I actually leaned in to kiss him and that was it. The very next day I told my mom he was the one, true story. You must be thinking, "Damn, he must be a good kisser!" Well he is but he embraced me and kissed me in a way that I had never been kissed before, where our souls connected and my heart felt whole. It was my last first kiss and it was a beautiful one that I will always remember.

Now, after sharing my experiences with you, I'd like to show you this very cool video. Basically they put a bunch of strangers together and ask them to kiss one another, without knowing who they are. Watching each of these "couples" kiss is amazing to me because some of them are awkward as to be expected and some of them embrace each other and look like they've been kissing for years. It's a connection as humans we sometimes take advantage of. I think it's a very intimate connection that is a beautiful thing.So please watch this video because I guarantee it will put a smile on your face and make you think of your first kiss.

Cat+Fish=Shady

I just yesterday came across this show on MTV called Catfish. I'm sure I'm waaaaay behind on this but I was hooked immediately. Once my husband got home, he too was hooked, then my brother in law. Just in case you are like us and don't watch MTV ever, it's about these young adults who find online relationships but never meet the people. Something then happens that makes them suspicious of the other person not being true about who they really are. These two men Nev and Max are then on a quest to essentially out the person stringing this innocent and vulnerable human being along. It's amazing. Here is a link in case you want to investigate the show yourself Catfish The Show


I sincerely wish I could do what Nev and Max do because they bring truth back into a world that thrives on pretending to be someone we are not. I think it must be amazing to do something like that AND get paid. Anyways...

The people who are "catfishing" the innocent souls often have deeper issues they are dealing with and occasionally is some asshole douchebag that wants to "practice his moves" before going out in to the real world to get a girlfriend. It's pretty hard to watch these people get up the courage to finally meet someone that they love, yes LOVE, hold on...*Side note, the fact that John has been talking to Jane for 6.5 years and has never so much as met, video chatted or seen a picture of her from the neck down seems like a stretch. However these people really do fall in love with one another* Ok where was I....watching them get up the courage to meet the love of his life is hard. 9/10 times the person who walks out of the front door is female (which pisses me off ladies), significantly over weight, NOT the person in the pictures they are sending and have real issues they eventually own up to. The truthful person is always amazed at how betrayed they feel often asking "Who ARE you?" I mean, can you imagine being in love with someone for 6 years and finally meeting them, only to find out they weren't who you thought you were? Sure people do this all the time in person, meeting someone and falling in love only to find out they were hiding some sort of secret that defines who they are as a person. It can lead to break ups or divorce. It's not much different than that but for some reason it just seems so much worse.

I'm already cautious about who I befriend on the internet and I have NEVER been friends with someone that I didn't already know in person. For example, my friend Amy introduced me to Cortney at her birthday party a few months ago. Cortney added me on FB, that's normal. Me getting a friend request from someone I don't know and don't have any mutual friends with....creepy! Let's all just be careful out there. Get proof before you invest so much of yourself into a relationship. It doesn't seem like it's that difficult of a process but I guess when you're lonely and looking to get out there it can be hard. Just be safe, my friends.

Court Me, Dammit!

I was visiting my family last weekend and instead of "How have you been?" or "What's new EMM?" I got an astounding number of "Why haven't you been writing in your blog? You need to keep up on that missy." Well shit....I'm sorry! I then proceeded to tell them I haven't been as motivated to write because I don't have very interesting topics. They all started yelling out their ideas and while I appreciate their input, I think I have a better idea of what my audience wants, and that includes them!

I decided to write about courtship. For those of you who don't know what this is, listen up! Courtship is the act of "wooing" your partner. This could be at the beginning stages of your developing relationship (and for most people that's when it happens most) or it can be a man romancing his wife after 20 years of marriage. Either way, I find it important in any relationship especially if you've been together awhile.

3 months in...

WHO DOES THIS?!?

Your career is at it's peak. You spend weekends with friends and family, living it up on your own. All you are responsible for is yourself. The man brings you flowers, surprises you with a get-away, brings you soup when you're sick, etc...The sex is new and amazing and often. Everything you do, you want to do together. You have all the time in the world to spend with one another and life is blissful!





10 years later....

You have 3 kids under the age of 5, work, soccer practice, school plays, walking the dogs, bake sales, conference calls, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, car wash, laundry, cook dinner, change diapers it's NEVERENDING! Sex? Shit I should schedule that in next week.

Some people think the spark is gone and you basically are roommates. In some cases, ok in a lot of cases, that may be the case. While I think too many people are quick to jump into divorce, I understand where they are coming from. I think what more marriages in the world could use is courtship. Both men and women need to become more in tune with what their partner needs and desires. I'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking about the act of doing something considerate for your partner. I am constantly bugging my husband to be romantic and it's not because I think our marriage is lacking in any specific way, I (and I believe most women) just want to know that we are being considered and thought of. Don't go spend hundreds of dollars on jewelry, unless you want to! Rather clean the kitchen when you see it's a mess and I'm busy working. Take me to see that ungodly awful chick flick you know I want to see. This doesn't just go for men, either. Women we need to make sure we take our men into consideration as well. If he's had a long work week, cut him some slack and arrange a guys night. Go to the new steakhouse he's been wanting to try.

Courtship changes from the beginning of your relationship to it's current definition. While all that mushy stuff is great at the beginning, I'd rather my husband brought me a RedBox movie rather than flowers and candy. Rather than taking me out on the town every weekend, I'd rather just have a Game of Thrones marathon. It's all about perspective and what your partner needs and wants now, not 10 years ago. Think about it, when was the last time you did something unexpectedly sweet for your significant other? It's important to do these things because rather than living like Bill Murray in "Groundhog's Day" you can be living a life full of fun and surprises you didn't even know you wanted.

                                              **If birds can court, so can we my friends!**

EMDR Therapy

Yikes, please forgive me for not tending to my blog for so long. I started writing a blog about my typical silly Erika banter but today I decided to share with you all what's really been going on in my life over the last few months.

It has been approximately 8 weeks since I started going to therapy. I'm an open book so saying, or rather admitting, that I am seeking help isn't really much of a stretch for me. Anyone who knows me, and I mean really knows me, is aware of my ability to be honest with them and my issues, of course only when asked.

It's been almost 2 years since I found out some really disturbing news about my father and in those two years I have developed severe anxiety, agoraphobia and depression. I've always been a bit of a worry wart in general but over the last 6 months in particular I've had several anxiety attacks relating to things I really have no control over but stress about anyways. It wasn't until 2 months ago that I realized something needed to change.

I went online to my insurance web page and literally found the closest therapist with positive feedback. I called his office, made an appointment and have been seeing a profound change since then. I really do think it was fate because I really didn't put much effort into finding "the therapist". It just so happened Dr. Alpert is an anxiety specialist. We use EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy) to help me lower my anxiety. Instead of trying to explain what EMDR is, I'd rather just show you a video of someone undergoing EMDR therapy with a trained professional.

Now, I understand that it might look as though he is pretending or acting, but when I first saw this video after my first session undergoing EMDR therapy, I couldn't help but understand exactly how this man felt. Emotions run through you as quickly as the memories do. It's emotionally draining and exhausting by the end of the hour. In the 2 months that I've been seeing Dr. Alpert I've only done 2 sessions of EMDR and it has allowed me to really heal with issues I didn't even realize I held on to. I know therapy is not for everyone, and I know EMDR is not for everyone but it really has helped me. I will continue to go to therapy because I do not feel as though I have cured my anxiety by a long shot (I know I will one day) but until then I can definitely say on a scale from 0-10 on the anxiety chart I am getting closer and closer to that zero!

For more information on EMDR check out this website! EMDR 

The Mermaid Theory

I'm a huge How I Met Your Mother fan (and if you haven't already seen it I encourage you to do so). There was an episode where Barney explains the mermaid theory to Marshall. Here is a clip of that specific scene, skip to 0:35 seconds into the video HIMYM Mermaid Theory

Long story short he says that it's only a matter of time before all men see all women as a mermaid versus a manatee. One day a co-worker is a "manatee" and in this case 1 year 3 months and 16 days later she became a "mermaid" in Marshall's eyes.

I think this theory is so funny but also a little true. Eventually when you really get to know someone and you mesh well you start to develop at the very least a friendship. Once that friendship develops you eventually become attracted towards that person. While the show implies that this happens to everyone, I don't believe that is the case. I have male friends that I've known for years, in some cases a lifetime, and I have never had an ounce of attraction towards them. However all of my ex's were at one point my friend and I wasn't (at least in all cases) immediately attracted to them. There was one boy in that group of ex's who was not really attractive at all, but the more I got to know him the more I fell smitten. For me personality comes first and looks second. I'm not going to sit here and say I don't notice his body or smile initially but that's not most important to me. Most of the people I used to date are all relatively good looking men, but had their personality not matched the looks I would have been out the door.

This post is not about cheating with someone you once thought was a manatee and is now a mermaid, it's simply to explore the idea of attraction. I can't think of a time during my married life that I found a man to be a manatee who eventually turned into a mermaid. To be honest I don't spend much time with the opposite sex so that transition wouldn't be too relevant in my life now. I do however feel as though there have been a couple of men who did go through that transition with me, only to eventually become my merman. All in all I think this idea is relateable to all people and interesting to think about with future friends of the opposite sex.
EMM

Young Love

I technically met my husband when I was 7 years old, in the 2nd grade. I grew up with him in all my of classes and throughout high school he was around until sophomore year. Once he moved we reconnected in 2005 through MySpace.

When we reconnected we were both 19 years old. I was a freshman at college and he was in the Navy. We started dating a few months after talking and got engaged a few months after that. If you know me at all, you know I am not a person who makes rash decisions. I am a planner and think thoroughly on my next move before I make it. Marriage wasn't a joke to me, even at 20 years young. Looking back I think "Holy shit we were sooooo young!" but at the time we were ready to take that step. We were (still are) in love, working, going to school and knew it was the right move for us. My parent's initial reaction was shock and concern. They didn't want me to essentially "ruin" my life, not finish college, have kids too early etc... I got a ton of "Are you pregnant?" questions from family and friends. I was even judged by my priest at church which is ultimately why we didn't get married in a Catholic church. I now understand why people were concerned and questioning our decision to marry so young. That being said, I am a very logical person and make decisions that are thought through. I typically not a "spur of the moment" type of woman when it relates to important life decisions, so why would this be any different? At the time I was confused as to why my parents were doubting my judgement. They now realize it was the best decision I could have made.

The truth is, we got married, he continued working and supporting our little family and I graduated from college. I then worked while my husband went to school and we are now both college grads. We both work wonderful jobs, live in a beautiful community and are on our way to starting a family. Life worked out for us. I realize that's not the case for everyone. Young couples can often make rash decisions to get married. Sometimes it's out of necessity, sometimes excitement and sometimes true love. Whatever the reason is it depends on the individuals and their maturity levels. Can they handle life without mommy and daddy? Can they commit to this person for the remainder of their lives? Can they see a future with this person? It's all a case by case situation.

I think about my future children and if my daughter were to come to me at 20 and say "Mom, I'm engaged!" I'd like to think I'd be excited for her but I know I'd react the same way my mother did. Initially concerned, but eventually supportive. All I can say is getting married young means I get to be with my husband longer, which means a longer lifetime of happiness.
EMM

Stage 5 Clinger

I've recently been inspired to read random blogs online and I read one about how women and men deal with clingy significant others. I was on the hunt to get some answers from some close guy friends and some close lady friends about how exactly they deal with or dealt with a needy or clingy significant other.

For the men, to say it varied is an understatement. I for sure thought I'd get the same response from all of them which would have been "I ignore them, leave them or at the very least show less interest to develop some space." Instead what I got was,

1) I've never had a clingy girlfriend before but I wish I did.
2) I never tell her she's clingy I wait for her to somewhat admit it before I let her know I'm not interested in her romantically or sexually.
3) I start giving her short answers in text, and pulling back.
4) I leave the bitch!
5) I stayed with her until I had a more valid reason to leave because I still liked her even if she was clingy.

Yes, ladies you read it right...some men actually want a clingy girlfriend (although I think eventually it will backfire). Let me be clear that every man I asked is someone I know fairly well and all of the men I asked would or already are amazing significant others. I wouldn't go asking my "player" male friend because while he's a great friend he just isn't mature enough to give me a real answer to this question. I asked a total of 22 men and those 5 answers were basically what they all said. A wise male friend of mine said the reason men have such "patience" with clingy or needy women is because men in general can't be as picky with their significant others as women can. Basically he thinks that woman have so many options when it comes to choosing their mate that they don't put up with as much as men do. It's an interesting theory and I guess I can see where he's coming from.

When it came to the ladies however it was very different. I also asked 22 ladies about this issue and we all agree on one thing, being clingy is a sign of weakness in our eyes. There were only 2 answers the women gave which were:

1) Initially I loved the attention however eventually I couldn't stand them being so clingy so I left them/cheated.
2) I dumped them immediately after realizing just how clingy they were.

A few people (both men and women) made it clear that men are much more patient with clingy women because they don't have many options when it comes to being with a woman. Women on the other hand can take their pick when it comes to choosing a mate because we have more options. I didn't necessarily agree with that initially but then I realized, it's true. We as women (for the most part) can have high standards for a mate but realistically can drop those standards and still find someone who will devote themselves to us. It's not that difficult because men are always able and wiling to be with a woman, even if she's not the right one, for the sake of being with someone....and for sex.

All in all it's not a trait most people look for when choosing their significant other. I've had my own experience with a clingy boyfriend in the past and it while it was fun in the beginning it became very stressful towards the end. While I can understand why some people feel the need to always be connected to their significant other, there comes a point where you need to give the proper amount of space to be able to grow as individuals and eventually as a couple.
EMM