My Year in Review

I lost 12 pounds

This might be a long one, folks! I just wanted to prepare you because I'm really not that interesting but today I will be updating you all and reviewing my year for you. Before I do, I just want to let you all know that this may be my last post on E's Thoughts. If nothing else this year has taught me the value of privacy and over sharing details about my life can cause issues I never knew would arise. BTW.....the pictures are in no particular order, just positive things that happened to me this year!

January-May 2015
I threw my back out at the beginning of the year causing me to miss approximately 3 weeks of work, and limiting my movement for about 2 months. During this time I was at my lowest mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, I didn't realize just how much my life was about to change. I began seeking help to maintain my mental and emotional health. After a few months I started feeling like myself again and I began to grow in a different direction than my ex husband. I spent time in the desert away from him to work on myself but it only proved that the distance was a good thing.

June-August 2015

I got a new car!

I won't lie and say that I wasn't quick to jump to divorce. I'm an all or nothing kind of woman, it's not a positive trait to have and I am working on that. Looking back it wasn't fair to my ex but because of my decision he was able to find a woman he is happy with and I have a relationship with my God I've always dreamed of. This summer was hard on me but I was very good at hiding it. At this point in my life I still did not have a solid relationship with God yet, so my decisions were not the best ones. Yes, I had fun going out often but looking back, it was a way to hide and not deal with what was really going on.

September-November 2015

My hero, my rock, my everything, my mother

I moved back to the desert! I am living with family at the moment, but moving back here was by far the best decision of 2015. I reconnected with an old male friend who is makes me excited about my future. Remember I said I'm an all or nothing woman? Well I have never in my life taken things this slow with a man and while we're not together, I am hopeful that one day when we are both ready we will be. For now, I'm just happy to spend time with someone who understands me. September is also when I began attending church and finding my relationship with God.





December 2015

I turned 30!

Found my first wrinkle :(

The most important month for me this year has been December. I turned 30. but most importantly it was just a few short weeks ago that I submitted to God and opened my heart to Him and His plan for me. You see I am a woman who likes to know what's going on, and have controlling tendencies. So it was very hard, VERY VERY VERY hard for me to completely submit to God. I don't know how long it takes the average person but for me, it felt like no matter how hard I tried to let go and let God, there was always something in my heart that held me back. Don't get me wrong I love God, but I wasn't giving Him control because I needed that little bit to feel safe and like my identity wasn't being stolen. Then I heard a man speak at church and something happened. There was a moment that my perspective changed, my attitude changed, my behavior changed (well...they're all changING...I'm always work in progress guys haha) and then my life began to change. The best way to describe what was happening to me was like Jim Carey in the Grinch movie. Remember that part when the little girl did something nice and his broken and small heart started growing? That is what was happening to me! I have a big heart for people in general but I mean for my father, not much was left. I began to consider forgiving my father in that service for his actions, even though he didn't ask for my forgiveness. If you know me at all you know that even CONSIDERING it was a huge step. Then when he didn't call me for my birthday again, I got really sad and angry. Why wasn't he fighting for me?! Why did he abandon me?! Then it hit me....who IS fighting for me? Who DIDN'T abandon me? My God and my mother. I'm not better than God or my mom, I'm not eve close! So what gives me the right not to forgive, to judge and hold anger in my heart? So I forgave my father on December 13th, 2015 just following in His (and my mom's) footsteps. Since I've forgiven my father I have less anxiety and stress and honestly it feels like I can breathe again. This was all through God and his faith in me. That day I vowed to God to change my ways and live a life of love and forgiveness instead of anger and fear. It's only been a few weeks but I have seen the difference in myself. I have motivation for life again, I have motivation to succeed, I have motivation to be a woman that other women aspire to be. By letting go of control and letting God take care of it, I actually FOUND my identity I was so scared to lose. My purpose in this life is to inspire people, children and teens to be more specific. So I hope I can inspire you in some way today, tomorrow, or in 20 years. I'm not perfect, not even close but that's okay with me now. As long as I live a life that I am proud of, and I can reflect at the end of the day and know He is proud of me, that's all I need.

So let's sum this up now shall we?

I finally let go and let God have control.

This year was mostly filled with anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, anxiety, stress, depression and many more negative emotions. But this month alone was filled with hope, love, acceptance, forgiveness and happiness. I know some family and friends have been concerned for me because of the ups and downs I've had all year. I know it's out of love and I thank you for your concern, but let me put your mind at ease. I am doing okay; I promise. Divorce happens, but know I am happy with where my life is going and who I'm going with. I'm not nearly close to working out all of my daddy issues, but I just want you all to know that my happiness is pure of heart and it's all thanks to God. I realize some of you might disagree with my views on faith and that's okay, I respect your views and opinions so I hope you do the same for me. I love you all, I thank you all, and I am beyond excited to see what 2016 holds for me!
EMM

Meow!

I was recently watching an old episode of "King of Queens" about the main female character getting sad because construction workers never catcalled her at the ripping age of 35. I find inspiration from everything and that includes lazy Sunday's at home watching reruns okay guys. It got me thinking, would I miss catcalling if it was no longer allowed or around? I can honestly say that I wouldn't. I don't find the act of catcalling a woman romantic, sweet, or in the slightest way flattering. To me the idea of a man yelling at a woman "Hey mamasita you lookin' good tonight baby girl!" is offensive and rude. How would you like men to yell at your mother, sister or daughters like that? When it comes to other men doing it to their loved ladies blasphemy! However when it comes to them doing it to someone else's mother, sister or daughter you have no issues with it at all. I find that hypocritical and disgusting.

There's also another point my friend made, he's never been around a group of men who catcall women AND get a response. For the most part women are disgusted and appalled by this type of behavior but on the rare occasion you have a girl who finds it flattering and sweet. This girl has low self esteem and is turning any sort of attention she receives as a positive experience. Who know's maybe there are normal women out there who enjoy the act of a man hollering at them to bend over the couch for them. I can see the appeal but only for women who have issues, not for women who have normal or high self esteem. So you know me, I was researching and started browsing through some catcalling videos and this one struck me. It's men's reasoning for catcalling. Here are 2 reasons I found disrespectful and horrid.

1. Ladies, if you don't want to be catcalled stop wearing tight leggings or clothing that makes you susceptible to catcalling. *So basically you're asking for it if you wear leggings*

2. It is my American right to say what I want to say. If you have a good body I should be allowed to tell you. *I'm sorry, WTF? Just because you're an American doesn't give you the right to invade a stranger's personal space and comment on their physical appearance. It's wrong on every level. This includes people who are obese, underweight, tall, short, etc. As an adult there comes a time when you know your behavior is unacceptable and it's clear that this type of behavior is wrong.*

So I guess what I've found is that there are very few women who find catcalling appropriate and flattering, but there are far more women who find it repulsing and invasive. Men, if you want to get a decent woman's attention smile at her and look her in the eyes. Eye contact and a simple hello will go much further than "Damn baby girl you looking fine as hell tonight!" Food for thought

Here's the video that caught my eye Catcalling Video

xoxo
EMM

Idiosyncratic Confessions Part 3

I thought I made this list every year but it's been 2 years since my last one and boy has my life changed So here is my newest list of idiosyncratic confessions. To be fair the last 2 list of confessions I made are still true, and valid to my current life.

2012's confessions....
I've become a very paranoid person when it comes to the safety of my future unborn children. It will be difficult for me to trust anyone except my husband with them.

I never knew I could love a pet as much as I love Heisenberg

I read Cosmo every month, but rarely agree with their articles, it's just fun to read.

I have severe anxiety but only about certain aspects of life.

I LOVE Taylor Swift's "We Will Never Ever Ever" song. Judge me, I don't care.

When I eat french fries I always eat the firm pointy ones first and leave the soggy ones for last, if ever.

My husband recently pointed out I have a weird obsession with different types of blankets. I love them all and have tons!

I get mad when people judge my religious beliefs, marital status or lifestyle but secretly judge them as well :/

I'm still scared shitless of dinosaurs.

I'm easy to scare. I get scared about once a day at random things; noises, my husband, the dog, lights, etc. He literally scared me as I was reading this blog to him, I lost a year of my life!

Even though I've seen every episode of One Tree Hill, I re-watched the entire series on Netflix. I won't say how long that took because I'll look pathetic.

My father is not the man I thought he was.

I've had a kidney stone and seriously debated wanting children. I clearly have a LOW tolerance for pain.

I love champagne.

I believe in mediums, in fact I a have an appointment in 2 weeks for my first reading.

My relationship with my brother-in-law has become one I treasure.

I'm scared I won't succeed in life, just in general.

The smell of the desert after it rains is by far my favorite smell in the world.

When people ask why we don't have children I often say "We just aren't ready" but the truth is we like our lives just as they are right now. We can wait.

Although I fear I won't be able to get pregnant as easily as most women. But it's not something I lost sleep over....yet. 

2015's confessions....
I am a woman of faith and God. Without his mercy I don't think I would be the woman I am today.

I have experienced more love in my 29 years of life than most people do in a lifetime. 

When I drive through a yellow light I tap my windshield 2 times for luck.

I now hate champagne, and love tequila.

I have always been scared to veer from my comfort zone, but I am taking strides in that area. First stride....I got a bob haircut which I have wanted for years but was too afraid of change.

I have been told throughout my life that I am easy to get along with and a good lister. These qualities make for a great therapist so I'm going back to school for my masters in counseling.

I absolutely LOVE leftovers of all kinds.

If I won the lottery I would open up the world's largest no kill animal shelter.

Earthquakes leave me speechless, literally.

Since I've been single I have consistently been told my smile is infectious and lights up a room. I now know it's my best feature.

I finally tried threading my eyebrows and excuse my language but FUCK THAT SHIT!

I absolutely hate when people take forever to back out of their parking spot, especially when they saw you waiting in the first place!

I have 2 piercings in each ear.

I am one of the few women in the world that doesn't find a pedicure relaxing or soothing.

I have met 3 of my soul mates and no, they're not all men. *Side note, I'm not gay or bisexual I'm talking about a cousin.

I much prefer cold weather to hot weather. You can always add layers, but once you're naked you can't cool off much more in the heat.

Working with children is my passion, but I feel that my purpose on this earth is to make people smile.

I am not by any means a judgmental person.

I am gullible to a fault, believing almost everything people say to me because I try to find the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am still scared of dinosaurs, and watching Jurassic World was very difficult for me.

Thanks for reading this years confessions!
EMM

P.S. I Love You

When I see those infamous windmills I am home and I feel comfortable, confident and happy. I feel complete. I feel loved. It's hard to leave this time around. Mostly because my medication is finally starting to take effect and I am becoming the Erika you all know and love. My skin is shedding and my shell is cracking, exposing me to the world as the person I was always meant to be. The final stages of my grown seems to be leading me to my hometown for some reason. I came for just a weekend and ended up staying an entire week. I am not avoiding my home, but this is something I feel the need to do. I have demons in my hometown that I need to conquer and let me tell you, I am conquering! I also feel as sense of independence which I haven't felt in years as I became codependent on Ken. It is important to me to be able to care for myself on my own without relying on anyone else to always pick up the pieces. I'm sure it can be an exhausting job to take care of a loved one without being able to do anything to help them but offer support.

I diverse, back to home. Palm Springs, California or more specifically Cathedral City, California. I'm sure most of you know or at least have heard of the desert. After being here a few days I remembered why I love it so much. Aside from having a lot of old friends here that I can still visit with, it's where I grew up. I also have about 90% of my family that still lives here so it's always exciting to come back and see them all (or at least most of them). Here are some other reason I love this wonderful
hot ass place I call home...

The mountains surrounding the desert area are indescribably beautiful. I will try to paint a picture for you, they are so enchanting. Any direction you look you'll see the majestic mountains making you feel like this little valley is inside a bowl, which is probably one of the reasons it's so hard to leave. It can be the ugliest day of the year weather wise but those mountains make you feel like home. There are point in the valley that you can actually drive up to the edge of the mounting and touch it's hard exterior making this gem of a place I call home even more beautiful.

The after rain smell of the desert is breathtaking. After it rains, there is a local plant that exposes it's smell and it really is amazing. Rare with it being the desert and all but when we get it, you'll notice every local breathing in a little deeper enjoying it while it last.

If you're from here, you always belong here. You will always be a  local, you will always know the same people and you will always be accepted. If you're in Africa and you meet someone from La Quinta you are instantly friends. The reason is because this dessert really is a small area and we all have each other's backs. So meeting someone from this area outside of the desert always puts a smile on my face.

As much as people who are from here complain about it often, we all know that it's home. It's the place we always come back to. I'm happy to be home this week and getting reacquainted with my home town.

xoxo
-EMM

Eyes For You

Is love at first sight real? I like many of you call bullshit. I decided to look into it so I did the research and it turns out that it does exist (with contingencies). The idea of love at first sight is that you see someone in the corner of the room, lock eyes and think "Wow, I'm gonna make babies with that person!" Because the truth of the matter and science is that we pick our mates based on our natural instinct to procreate with that person.

After doing some of the research I found the less than 10% of all married couples said that they experienced love at first sight with their spouse. So the contingency with "love at first sight" is that while it has been experienced by many people, the longevity of that relationship cannot be determined by the initial meeting. This means that while I fell in love at first sight, that doesn't mean your relationship will last. That's great, but not what I wanted to know. I simply wanted to know that it is real. Turns out, it is.

Along with providing some information on the topic I always like to implement my own personal life into these topics. I know that's really what you all want to read about, my juicy stories. This topic however isn't that juicy. I have never fallen in love at first sight. I have fallen in lust at first sight, but not love. I personally think that you need to get to know someone over time before you can really say you love them. I can look at David Beckam and tell him I love him at first sight but then he'll tell me 10 years into marriage that he likes Dane Cook. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO LIKES DANE COOK! Boom, divorce! Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high, because people rush into marriage. I'm not one to talk because I married my ex-husband after only 2 years of dating but I've known him since we were in 2nd grade, that's a lifetime of tiny pieces of information I knew about him before we got married. You know that saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? Well I think that goes with dating and seeing somebody for the first time. For example, I walk into the restaurant to meet the man I was set up with and he's not my type, physically. I would never walk out of the restaurant because he may have an amazing personality. I think over time people start to find their mates attractive even if they weren't initially attracted to that person. That being said, I also don't think I could ever fall in love with a man solely based on his looks. I like to think I'm not that naive or vain.

So while I don't think I could ever fall in love at first sight, that doesn't mean I don't respect those who do. There are plenty of people who say "We met, got married 2 months into the relationship." They may have a wonderful and fulfilling life surrounded by love fro their spouse. When I hear those stories, this is why I think...Wow, I wish I had balls like that. I wouldn't even commit to a puppy until year 7 of my marriage. Kudos to those who know what they want but that is just not for me.

I just think it's great to fall in love in general. At first, later, young, old, man, woman, whatever. Love is what makes life worth living so if you find someone worthy of your love, who cares when, how or why you're in love. Just make sure to love.
EMM

It's Been Awhile...

Where do I begin? I noticed a few weeks ago that it had been 8 months since I last wrote in my blog. While I can come up with excuse after excuse the real reason is I am sick.

I've mentioned before and I will say it again, you all know that I have had issues with my father over the last few years. It's no secret that I no longer talk to him and have not spoken to him since August 27th, 2012. That is a personal choice of mine and it is something I have to live with everyday. So far, it's been really easy not talking to him. I never thought I'd be one of those people who write people off this easily but he did something so bad that I had to cut ties. He betrayed me, my mom, my brother, and many many more people. I've been refraining from writing about this for fear that my relationship with some family members might disappear. After my experience the last few weeks, it's time for me to reveal the truth. I'm not even sure many people DON'T already know this, it's been getting around but I know by writing this, some people may now understand why I made the choices I made.

August 2012 I got a call from my mother breaking the news to me. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I had to call dad because there are terrible rumors going on about one of the most important men in my life. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. Basically I asked him

"Did you molest this person?"-Erika
"Yes."-Father

The conversation was obviously more intense but that's all I needed to hear. "Yes." He admitted it to me. He admitted that he hurt a lot of people I love and care for. He hurt people that were children at one point over another. Over the course of 2.5 years several other victims have come forward stating he did the same thing to them when they were children. This goes back 26+ years. What's worse, is that he denied the truth to many people in my family making me look like I (and the victims) were liars. These were all "accusations" according to my father. It was him versus them and there was no way he would ever admit to it to a person who would actually do something about it. Sadly, there is nothing I can do about it. To my current recollection I was never molested by my father as a child. Sometimes, I wish I was because I know that I would have done something about it and saved a lot of other people's misery. I could take away all of their pain and I could put him where he belongs. In jail.

Who was this man? Anyone who knows me knows that I was a daddy's girl. Look it up in the dictionary and there was a picture of me. I put him on the highest pedestal I could find, the highest horse, he was my superhero! No he was not, he is not and he will never be my superhero. This is who he really is.

My father is a child molester.
My father is a rapist.
My father is a cheater.
My father is a liar.
My father is not my father anymore.

So where does the "I was sick" part come in Erika? Well it all started toward the end of February 2015. I was digging myself into this deep hole and hiding where nobody could find my true feelings and emotions because they wouldn't understand. I was digging and digging passing by each day as if everything was fine, until it wasn't. I had a mental breakdown and essentially had to seek immediate help as I was having suicidal thoughts. Persistent and worsening suicidal thoughts. Now I am a smart woman, I knew that 1. I couldn't do that to the people I love, but new that the thoughts I was having were too severe for me to feel like it was just a bad day. 2. I had to seek serious help. I couldn't let myself get this low. So I went on disability and have been seeking treatment from 3 different doctors. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, a mood disorder and severe anxiety. Yes, I was on medication for the anxiety before all of this happened because I would talk to my primary care physician every few months and she would give me the basic help I needed hoping it would help. When I went to her in a terrible state she sought out a therapist and psychiatrist that could help me with the deeper issues. I haven't looked back since.

Over past few weeks I have had my medication monitored and adjusted several times. I still have not found the right dosage and combination that suit my specific illnesses. It's all trial and error at this point because everybody's body and chemistry is different. I have also had additional traumatizing events happen as well. My mother in law passed away, my nephew passed away, I stress about losing my job, my father emailed me, etc. It's stuff that I need to learn to deal with and manage in a healthy way. You see the best way I can explain how I feel on a daily basis is this picture.

All of the emotions or thoughts after "I'm tired of" are what I feel constantly. No really, I feel like this ALL OF THE TIME. The medication and therapy over time are supposed to help with this. So far it has gone from a 10 to a 7. I need to get down to a zero, and that will take time. I know it will and I know it takes work but I will get there. When a distressful situation occurs I need to learn to manage my thoughts, especially about myself, and move forward. This is something most of you reading this can already do. This is still something I cannot do.

Along with all the shit that has happened lately I still had not really dealt with my father issues (side note, OMG I am a woman with daddy issues). Now that I am a lot has come out in therapy that is hard to deal with but helping. Little by little I am getting there. It's hard to explain to people how this is considered "sick" but it really is. I don't have cancer, or broke my leg in a car accident, but I have PTSD, anxiety and a mood disorder. They are serious illnesses that I need to manage and deal with.

So now that I have shared the truth about my father and myself, it's time for me to post this. It's a big step. But here I go.

EMM