The Mermaid Theory

I'm a huge How I Met Your Mother fan (and if you haven't already seen it I encourage you to do so). There was an episode where Barney explains the mermaid theory to Marshall. Here is a clip of that specific scene, skip to 0:35 seconds into the video HIMYM Mermaid Theory

Long story short he says that it's only a matter of time before all men see all women as a mermaid versus a manatee. One day a co-worker is a "manatee" and in this case 1 year 3 months and 16 days later she became a "mermaid" in Marshall's eyes.

I think this theory is so funny but also a little true. Eventually when you really get to know someone and you mesh well you start to develop at the very least a friendship. Once that friendship develops you eventually become attracted towards that person. While the show implies that this happens to everyone, I don't believe that is the case. I have male friends that I've known for years, in some cases a lifetime, and I have never had an ounce of attraction towards them. However all of my ex's were at one point my friend and I wasn't (at least in all cases) immediately attracted to them. There was one boy in that group of ex's who was not really attractive at all, but the more I got to know him the more I fell smitten. For me personality comes first and looks second. I'm not going to sit here and say I don't notice his body or smile initially but that's not most important to me. Most of the people I used to date are all relatively good looking men, but had their personality not matched the looks I would have been out the door.

This post is not about cheating with someone you once thought was a manatee and is now a mermaid, it's simply to explore the idea of attraction. I can't think of a time during my married life that I found a man to be a manatee who eventually turned into a mermaid. To be honest I don't spend much time with the opposite sex so that transition wouldn't be too relevant in my life now. I do however feel as though there have been a couple of men who did go through that transition with me, only to eventually become my merman. All in all I think this idea is relateable to all people and interesting to think about with future friends of the opposite sex.
EMM

Young Love

I technically met my husband when I was 7 years old, in the 2nd grade. I grew up with him in all my of classes and throughout high school he was around until sophomore year. Once he moved we reconnected in 2005 through MySpace.

When we reconnected we were both 19 years old. I was a freshman at college and he was in the Navy. We started dating a few months after talking and got engaged a few months after that. If you know me at all, you know I am not a person who makes rash decisions. I am a planner and think thoroughly on my next move before I make it. Marriage wasn't a joke to me, even at 20 years young. Looking back I think "Holy shit we were sooooo young!" but at the time we were ready to take that step. We were (still are) in love, working, going to school and knew it was the right move for us. My parent's initial reaction was shock and concern. They didn't want me to essentially "ruin" my life, not finish college, have kids too early etc... I got a ton of "Are you pregnant?" questions from family and friends. I was even judged by my priest at church which is ultimately why we didn't get married in a Catholic church. I now understand why people were concerned and questioning our decision to marry so young. That being said, I am a very logical person and make decisions that are thought through. I typically not a "spur of the moment" type of woman when it relates to important life decisions, so why would this be any different? At the time I was confused as to why my parents were doubting my judgement. They now realize it was the best decision I could have made.

The truth is, we got married, he continued working and supporting our little family and I graduated from college. I then worked while my husband went to school and we are now both college grads. We both work wonderful jobs, live in a beautiful community and are on our way to starting a family. Life worked out for us. I realize that's not the case for everyone. Young couples can often make rash decisions to get married. Sometimes it's out of necessity, sometimes excitement and sometimes true love. Whatever the reason is it depends on the individuals and their maturity levels. Can they handle life without mommy and daddy? Can they commit to this person for the remainder of their lives? Can they see a future with this person? It's all a case by case situation.

I think about my future children and if my daughter were to come to me at 20 and say "Mom, I'm engaged!" I'd like to think I'd be excited for her but I know I'd react the same way my mother did. Initially concerned, but eventually supportive. All I can say is getting married young means I get to be with my husband longer, which means a longer lifetime of happiness.
EMM

Stage 5 Clinger

I've recently been inspired to read random blogs online and I read one about how women and men deal with clingy significant others. I was on the hunt to get some answers from some close guy friends and some close lady friends about how exactly they deal with or dealt with a needy or clingy significant other.

For the men, to say it varied is an understatement. I for sure thought I'd get the same response from all of them which would have been "I ignore them, leave them or at the very least show less interest to develop some space." Instead what I got was,

1) I've never had a clingy girlfriend before but I wish I did.
2) I never tell her she's clingy I wait for her to somewhat admit it before I let her know I'm not interested in her romantically or sexually.
3) I start giving her short answers in text, and pulling back.
4) I leave the bitch!
5) I stayed with her until I had a more valid reason to leave because I still liked her even if she was clingy.

Yes, ladies you read it right...some men actually want a clingy girlfriend (although I think eventually it will backfire). Let me be clear that every man I asked is someone I know fairly well and all of the men I asked would or already are amazing significant others. I wouldn't go asking my "player" male friend because while he's a great friend he just isn't mature enough to give me a real answer to this question. I asked a total of 22 men and those 5 answers were basically what they all said. A wise male friend of mine said the reason men have such "patience" with clingy or needy women is because men in general can't be as picky with their significant others as women can. Basically he thinks that woman have so many options when it comes to choosing their mate that they don't put up with as much as men do. It's an interesting theory and I guess I can see where he's coming from.

When it came to the ladies however it was very different. I also asked 22 ladies about this issue and we all agree on one thing, being clingy is a sign of weakness in our eyes. There were only 2 answers the women gave which were:

1) Initially I loved the attention however eventually I couldn't stand them being so clingy so I left them/cheated.
2) I dumped them immediately after realizing just how clingy they were.

A few people (both men and women) made it clear that men are much more patient with clingy women because they don't have many options when it comes to being with a woman. Women on the other hand can take their pick when it comes to choosing a mate because we have more options. I didn't necessarily agree with that initially but then I realized, it's true. We as women (for the most part) can have high standards for a mate but realistically can drop those standards and still find someone who will devote themselves to us. It's not that difficult because men are always able and wiling to be with a woman, even if she's not the right one, for the sake of being with someone....and for sex.

All in all it's not a trait most people look for when choosing their significant other. I've had my own experience with a clingy boyfriend in the past and it while it was fun in the beginning it became very stressful towards the end. While I can understand why some people feel the need to always be connected to their significant other, there comes a point where you need to give the proper amount of space to be able to grow as individuals and eventually as a couple.
EMM

Friend Zoned

I was watching Vsauce with my husband the other night. For those of you who've never heard of this it's a YouTube channel where a man named Michael discusses certain topics through a scientist perspective. So this particular episode he was discussing the idea of being "friend zoned" and how it actually is a good thing. Over the last 50 years people have created less friendships and spent less time with other human beings. Of course it's obvious that has to do with the development of the internet and how social media influences our interactions these days. Long story short, he thinks if you get friend zoned rather than ignore that person or force a relationship he thinks it's better to develop a friendship since we are lacking in that area altogether as a human race.

I thought that was so interesting! Scientific lingo aside I just think the idea of developing friendships is important. However the one question I thought about during the video was the common idea that men and women can't be platonic friends. This scenario means one person (in this case the person who became the "friend" rather than the "boy/girl friend") would have to not only subside their true feelings for their new friend but also learn to treat that person differently. Is it possible to come back from having emotional feelings for someone as just their friend?

OUCH!

Personally I don't think I could. I can only use my past self because, well I'm married. In the past I friend zoned a couple of guys. Bless their hearts they tried to be my friend but I think the crush always remained. A guy rarely friend zoned me because I didn't usually go after guys I didn't think I had a chance with (I guess that's my relationship survival mechanism haha). But when it did happen I stopped talking to him altogether. This is different from ex's becoming friends because I think you've had your chance and you both move on. If you don't move on, you typically don't remain friends, right? The video from Vsace is posted at the bottom of this blog. Watch it and let me know what you think. Either way it's an interesting watch and definitely made me think.

Vsauce Friend Zone

The Line

I was listening to the radio on my way to work the other day and I heard a rather interesting conversation. It was about the line each individual person has that their significant other can't pass or it is considered cheating. For example, my friend may think kissing is cheating, where as her boyfriend may think sex is the breaking point. It is important to discuss these things with your significant other because should they come home telling you about their adventures at the local strip club, you can't really get upset with him if that boundary was never clarified, right?

So, I called my husband and asked him what the line for him was. I was a little surprised by his answer because it was quite astute and more thoughtful than I would have given him credit for. He said "If you have a male coworker your bringing lunch for, that's cheating. Because it means you're thinking about him at home." He knows me better than I know myself. He basically said that I'm more of an emotional personal so if I am emotionally attached to someone, I'm more likely to cheat. I then said "What, you don't think I can just got have sex with some random guy?" He then said "No. Besides if you did I would leave you because that means you've changed. You would never have sex with someone you weren't emotionally attached to." It seems he realizes his line with me is much more of an emotional one than physical one because they go hand in hand with my personality.

Now for my line with him....it's completely different! I thought to myself I could and most likely would forgive a one time mistake. I would be much more inclined to leave if he came to me and said "I saw my ex girlfriend and I realized I'm still in love with her." Clearly you can't really come back from that. So I kept my line on the aspect of physical cheating versus emotional. If he went to a strip club and got "handsy" with a stripper, that's my line. Do I want him at a strip club? Not particularly. Do I want him getting a lap dance? I could do without. But neither of those things would cause divorce, just arguments and discussions. Now if he got chummy with her, I could see that being a real red flag. 

Please note, these aren't guidelines for him and I to go out and do what we want without repercussion; we respect each other and our marriage. It's just a hypothetical conversation. Please also note, we are firm believers in fixing things rather than bolting and running away from our problems. There are very few things that would cause us to seriously consider divorce. That doesn't mean we put up with everything, it just means we respect each other enough to not hurt one another. I hope this triggers a conversation between all my readers and their significant others. I think it's an important discussion to have, at the very least to clarify what is and isn't tolerated.

EMM

A Tribute

A little over a week ago I lost an old friend of mine. While I wasn't able to attend his funeral I did think of my own way to pay tribute and respect to his lost soul. I thought writing and dedicating a post to him would suit my personality and I know he'd appreciate it as well. My initial thought when I heard (or rather read) the news was "No way, someone got it wrong" but then it was confirmed. I wasn't sure what happened and at that point it didn't really matter. All that mattered was that he was gone and I wouldn't have a chance to see him ever again.

I hadn't seen Brian in years. As a matter of fact after high school we lost touch and it wasn't until the miraculous creation of Facebook that we reconnected and caught up again in 2010. His first words to me when we developed our friendship again were "Ohhh my God you look great girl!!! How is my first love? Don't tell me you got married??? I mean that's great and all but I will shed a single tear if you tell me yes....LOL" From then on we stayed in contact and developed a friendship again. Brian was the type of person that always made you smile, because he was smiling. He made you laugh because he was laughing. He was a smart ass, sarcastic and sometimes an over the top person. But it was who he was and who we all loved. He was helpful, insightful and full of love for everyone he knew.

Before I go I have to leave you all with my most cherished memory of Brian. We were seniors in high school and he actually transferred schools the year prior. He came back to my high school to visit but everyone was in class. I just so happened to be in the halls going when I saw him. I ran to him and hugged him and we caught up for a few minutes. I don't remember the conversation, I remember the moment and that hug. It captures our friendship perfectly, because even though he left our school, we picked up where we left off. He was one of the few people in my life who I knew I could count on and he could count on me. When I heard the news of his passing that was the memory that I played over and over in my head.

Brian I hope that you know you were adored by many and will be missed by everyone you ever touched. I hope to see you again one day and get one of those wonderful Brian hugs I remember so vividly. My deepest sympathies to his family and loved ones. Rest in paradise my dear friend.
EMM

My Tips

A friend of mine actually asked me how my marriage works. I thought it was a bit odd considering my husband and I have only been married for 6 years. Although I also felt blessed to be asked that because it meant that she looked at our marriage as something to aspire to. You see, she recently became engaged herself and was looking for some advice/words of wisdom/tips. I found myself really thinking about it because it was my first time answering a question like that and I wanted it to be honest and insightful. So with Valentine's Day around the corner, I have love on my mind and I thought I'd write out my tips here for you all to see as well!

1) My husband is the king of my household. This means, for the most part, I believe in serving my husband and taking care of him. He works very hard and provides for our family so I don't mind cutting up his steak at night or bringing him some ice cream.

2) I have a job but I am responsible for maintaining our home as well. I do all of the laundry, 90% of the cooking, 90% of the cleaning, running errands, taking care of appointments, etc.

3) Sex. Men in general express their love for a woman through sex. Therefore they feel loved when they are receiving it as well. I keep my husband happy in the bedroom which leads to a much happier marriage. I think it's important to make time for sex and it's important to keep it spicy and interesting.

4) Communicate with one another/listen to one another. I tell my husband everything. Let it be known that if you tell me a secret, you should assume my husband will know as well. I think that's fair and I assume the same with my friends and their significant others. I tell my husband if I need him to be more romantic a certain month, or if I need to reconnect. I tell him if I need a few hours to myself or if I need help with a project. We communicate with one another which means our needs get met and we can be there for one another without having to guess what the other one needs.

5) Express love, gratuity and praise him. I send my husband texts, messages, whispers etc every so often to tell him I love him, I am grateful for him, I am proud of him and that he's a wonderful husband. Men won't come out and say "I need reassurance that I am a good man". When I say things like this to my husband I know he appreciates it and it makes him feel special. When a man says "Thank you for everything that you do for this family" doesn't it make your day? I know it makes mine.

6) Pick and choose your battles. Seriously, I learned this early on and thank goodness I did. My husband and I argue like every other couple out there. However, when we do it is almost always about something worthy of an argument. We rarely ever argue about petty things because it won't get us anywhere. We've come to accept each other's little annoying habits or pet peeves (biting nails, leaving socks on the ground in the living room, who brushed the dog's teeth). If we argued about something that made us roll our eyes every time we would be miserable.

7) Flirt with your husband. I think a lot of people forget to continue doing this when they get married because they already got the man. But something as simple as winking at him during a party, or tickling him, blowing him a kiss, can make you both feel like newlyweds!

8) Be feminine. I love sweats as much as the next girl and when I'm home that's what I wear. However when we go out I make sure to get dolled up. Nothing crazy fancy but I wear a cute outfit, make up and do my hair. This also includes upkeep with grooming ladies!

9) Laugh together! My husband is the second funniest person I know, I'm the first! We love going to comedy clubs, watching funny movies or just sitting at home laughing. After we laugh together we always cuddle and it brings us together.

10) Be grateful you found him. I literally thank God every day for sending me my husband. I don't take him for granted and I appreciate every moment we spend together. This doesn't mean you need to shout how grateful you are through the roof tops. But definitely be grateful.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day with your loved ones.
EMM

True Colors

As most of you who read my blog know, this time last year my parents separated and are now divorcing. Over the course of 2012 I gained insight and knowledge on the man my father really is. Let me be clear, in my opinion he's not a good person.

I've struggled with the idea of writing about my father because to be honest, it isn't anybody's business and it's not my place to shout out to the world who he really is. However, part of me feels like he's living this care free life on my mother's dime without any repercussion for his misdoings. So while I think everyone deserves to know about the man he is, I won't be the person to tell you.

So why write about this EMM? Well I decided to write about the reality of parents and how as we get older, we understand them better. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized my parents were human and they made mistakes just like everybody else. It wasn't until last year that I even considered never speaking to a parent again. Growing up your parents always say "No matter what you do, I will always love you." I held that dear to my heart because it gave me a sense of security and comfort. I always thought the same about them, but I never imagined my love would be challenged by my father's actions. The thing is, I still love my father; of course I do. Although he has not been in my life for the last 7 months and will no longer be an active member in my life he's still my dad.

Growing up I adored my dad. I was the epitome of "daddy's little girl" he could do no wrong in my eyes. How could someone I knew so well, cherished so much, loved dearly be someone I don't even know anymore? On the other hand, my mother has proven to be the strongest woman I will ever know. She has taught me what it is like to take the high road because over the last year she has definitely done that on several occasions. So through getting to know who my parents really are my father was someone I could no longer have in my life but my mother was an inspiration.

The reality for me is while I can forgive mistakes, it doesn't change who my father is. So the point of this blog is to express that even if you're close to your parents, things can change. They show their true colors and sometimes that's a wonderful thing, and sometimes it makes you lose a parent. I sometimes wish I could go back to being naive but the truth of the matter is life isn't really worth it if you aren't being true to yourself and the ones you love. So while I became aware of who my parents really are, particularly my dad, and last year was one road block after another, life is as it should be...truthful.
EMM

A+

I've mentioned before how lately I've become a bit of a documentary buff. I recently saw a documentary called "American Teachers" and it basically breaks down the American Education system and it's teachers. I don't really want to go into details about how underpaid and under appreciated American teachers are because you all know that. However this documentary sparked a conversation between my husband and I about our favorite teachers of all time.

For me, it's hard to pick just one because I have been truly blessed in my life with wonderful teachers (and several horrible ones). So I thought I'd chose the 2 that really made a difference and impact in my life.

High school was full of great and terrible teachers. It was hard to pick a teacher from high school that was my favorite because there are several I could choose. That being said I had Mr. Stoebe for all 4 years teaching leadership/student government/ASB. My entire life I was a shy person and not so much a leader in any aspects of my life. That was until freshman year when this man taught me the importance of leadership and helping people find their path. I gained so much self confidence, leadership skills and friendships through this class and his teachings. He taught me how to be who I am without apologizing for it, stand up for what I believe in but also be sensitive to others. I still quote him today on the top of my blog "It's the decisions you make not the conditions you're in that determine your destiny." He was without a doubt one of the most inspirational people in my life and helped shaped me into the person I am today.

College was the first time I "researched" my teachers through a website where fellow students could rate that professor on intelligence, difficulty, personality and exams. Shelly Wynants was one of my first professors in my field, child and adolescent development. Her ratings were not too popular but not too bad either. She was difficult but informative. Learning from my mother never to shy away from a challenge I took her class. I am so glad I did because never have I ever learned so much about children. She taught several classes and I took every single one of them. Shelly was so personable, interesting, knowledgeable, passionate and inspiring. Yes, she was a difficult grader but her expectations for her students what was pushed me to be a better one. After seeing me semester after semester we became close in a sense where I wasn't just another passer by in one of her classes. One time I worked for months on my final project for her class and the day before it was due my husband accidentally deleted the 15+ page essay. I immediately started panicking because there was no way I could re-write the entire essay in a few hours. I called her and she immediately calmed me down and said I could have an extension of 1 week without it hurting my grade. To my dismay I had it ready the following day for class after an all nighter. I wanted to impress her and show her my commitment to her class like she had for her students. She didn't want to fail me, so I pushed myself to write it again and ready for class the next day.

Something I realized all these teachers have in common is their passion for their students and their ability to push me to become a better person. So much of a teacher's job is much more than just teaching. They are counselors, friends, parents, role models and much much more. I wouldn't be where I am today without the wonderful teachers I had throughout my life. I appreciate all of my past teachers because even if they weren't the best of the bunch they were still there to help me grow.
EMM

The Business of Being Born

If you haven't seen the documentary by Ricky Lake called "The Business of Being Born" I encourage you to go out and watch it. It's on Netflix and accessible online as well. Here is a link to the trailer, Business of Being Born Trailer. It's about the health care system in America for women who give births in hospitals versus home births. It gives a lot of information on the drugs given to expecting mothers in labor at the hospitals and how dangerous and often times unnecessary they can be. It also gives wonderful information on home births and the options you have when it comes to giving birth to your babies.

I am a documentary lover and watch as many as I can. This is by far one of my favorites because it provides details and information on a topic that not only interest me, but that I never even considered before. After watching this documentary I started researching the options of doing a home birth and potentially using a midwife when we get pregnant. Everything I read and researched was positive. When reading and hearing women's personal experiences with home birth they all obviously had different stories but they ALL had 2 things in common. After giving birth they felt this incredible sense of love. I thought "Of course they felt love, don't all women? They just had their baby!" But as it turns out women who are given drugs during labor only feel a small percentage of those women who don't use drugs and take their time during labor. The Oxytocin hormones are through the roof for women who just gave birth but the drugs involved decrease those levels. The other thing mothers who had home births ALL said was that they felt a sense of empowerment with a ton of energy after the birth. I thought that was odd but having the baby naturally in a calm state seemed to benefit the babies and the mothers after the birth.

I always knew I wanted to have my children naturally if I could but the option of a C-section never really bothered me. Now, I realize that the hospitals push for women to have C-sections. To be honest from what I gathered it was so the doctors could be home at a decent hour. I realize not all doctors are like this but in America, most OBGYN doctors are not even trained for natural labors because they are predominately trained in surgery. Often times the doctor will scare mothers into thinking a C-section is the only way to save their baby. Yes, C-sections are sometimes necessary but 32.9% of all births in America are via C-sections! Woman's bodies naturally know what to do, it's a miracle I can only attain to God. Our bodies are "trained" to do what they need to do when they need to do it. Now if you are in labor for several hours and there is severe distress on the baby, lack of oxygen or an emergency scenario, yes by all means C-sections are critical. However being told something suddenly is wrong with your baby at 4pm on a Friday evening seems suspicious to me.

So after watching this documentary and researching the topic I am fairly certain I want to have a home birth with a midwife rather than the traditional hospital birth. Midwives are trained and licensed professional and essentially the same as a doctor. They transport women to hospitals with ample time if they feel there are sudden risks involved. As well as taking on mothers who are healthy low risk patients to avoid any complications that may arise. I know you must all think I'm crazy but my husband is supportive and it really struck a chord with me. I feel in my soul that it is the way my children are meant to come into this world. I may change my mind in the future but for now, I'm excited to continue to research and potentially have my future children in a calm, supportive, drug free environment.
EMM