Don't Shoot For A Rebound

Beware of the rebound relationships ladies and gentleman, and I can say that from full experience. I like the way Mary Russel Mitford identified a rebound relationship. "A rebound relationship is one in which a person is too quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an end of a significant love. People who experience breakups and then immediately involve themselves with another feel the need to prove to themselves they are worthy of love and affection. Whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on self-serving distraction and satisfying personal worth. Nothing is as easy as catching a heart on the rebound." That was me! Still is to some extent if I'm being totally honest, but I'm learning and growing. To me there are three reason why it's best to heal your past hurts before jumping into a new relationship. They're simple and I wish I would have learned this before entering my "rebound" relationship last summer but I take longer to process information. It's almost like having a child who wants to touch the hot stove. It doesn't matter what you say they're not gonna learn until they touch it. Yeah that's me except, I'll touch it a second time just to make sure it's still hot-and then cry when I get burned again. Hey! Don't laugh! I can't be alone....right? Ok so the 3 reasons I believe it's important to stay single and heal your damaged heart from a previous relationship are....

1) Healing takes time...
Remember that song "Breaking up is hard to do"? Man is that the truth or what? You can't expect to be with someone as long as you were and have it end the way it did without taking some time to really heal your heart. Imagine an apple, a perfectly green apple-now if I take it and hit it on the ground, the outside might stay in tact beautifully but the inside is now bruised. It's important to take the time to heal that iniquity otherwise your heart will stay bruised.

2) There's a reason...
There is a reason the old relationship ended and it takes time and self discovery to understand and recognize those reasons (as to not repeat them again). It was easy for me to go from my ex to a new man because he was a distraction from the pain I was feeling. But that's exactly what he was, a distraction, because as soon as I ended that relationship I went back to feeling the pain of the previous relationship, and added new pain from the current one. Rebounds don't help, they just delay the grieving.

3) Your future partner deserves better...
Because breaking up is so hard, if you jump into a new relationship too soon you can unintentionally or unknowingly but definitely unfairly pressure your new partner to compensate you for wounds he or she didn't inflict. This also pressures them to prove they are worthy of your trust when they did nothing wrong. Here's an example, lets say your ex would get drunk every time he went out with his friends so you developed a "norm" so to speak. Well you find a new man who genuinely just loves playing golf with his friends or making music with them but because of the past "norm" you have this stigma attached to men hanging out. It's not the new guys fault-that's all you baby girl! So healing from the past is important for your future.

Let me just say, this is all in an ideal world. I'm not perfect and even after that awful relationship last summer I wanted to jump right back into a new relationship again but by the grace of God, he provided me with time to heal my past hurts. Here is my experience with rebounds.

As you all may have known I was married for nearly 10 years and after we split I went straight to online dating. I met a man who at the time seemed amazing. He was a little older, never married, no kids, established in his career, believed in God, taking care of his ill father I mean he seemed like the perfect man. Little did I know he was also an alcoholic with abusive tendencies and ultimately that is what lead me to move back home. I didn't let myself heal from my past relationship and jumped right into this one only to find myself in a situation I had to move 100+ miles to get out of. After that terrible relationship ended you'd think I would have learned my lesson; but remember, I like to touch a hot stove twice. Except this time God didn't let me because He sent me another man who was wise enough to know better. First and foremost this man believes in and has a relationship with God, he has an amazing relationship with his family (as do I now that we're so close), he is smart, creative, has a heart of gold, ambitious, legitimately musically talented and a sight for sore eyes with tattoos to boot! ::SWOON:: Even after the previous rebound incident, I didn't learn and wanted to jump into a relationship with this new man immediately. To my surprise he said no. Shocked and honestly quite angry, I demanded an answer! You see, he recognized we both needed time to heal from our past relationships and heart problems, so how could I deny that harsh yet honest answer? So we focused on becoming friends and learning about one another without the pressures of a relationship. It's been such a blessing to find someone who wants to get to know me and vice versa as well as making sure we're healed before we commit to one another. If it wasn't for him slowing us down we probably would have been broken up by now but instead we've become the best of friends. Taking things as slowly as we are (no seriously guys we've been "friends" for 9 months) wasn't as important to me at first as it is now. My recovery from my past isn't done yet, so until it is I can't tell you how glad I am to have someone who supports me but doesn't pressure me into anything. He's pretty amazing and I am excited to see what's next with him. That's the difference between a rebound and someone worthy of your time and effort. I'm still not healed from my past relationships but I will be one day and when I am-you guys will be second to hear about it!

xoxo
-e

I'm Back!

It's been a long year my friends, a really long year. I took a break from writing because I've been really focusing myself on God and my personal growth. I've done a lot of soul searching, found a lot of character flaws within myself, and am finally starting to feel a shift in my thinking. That being said I am still Erika and during this whole identity crisis I stopped writing for fear of judgement from those who think that because I love Jesus, I can't also still have sass and an opinion. The truth is I started a new blog solely about my recovery because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And well, one of those character flaws I have is people pleasing, so I shut that one down. What really makes me happy is writing about fun topics that I have experience with. So I am proud to say "E's Thoughts" is back! Enjoy my post.....

I know you're just as excited as I am to know this weeks topic and it's.....terrible first dates. Oh the tangled web we weave when it comes to dating right? I've had some ok first dates and some not ok first dates but there's one that will ALWAYS stand out in my mind because it was just awful. Before I go into detail about my terrible first date I want to share with you, in my experiences, the typical bad first date guys, or if you're a man-gals.

1) The "money is no object" Guy/Gal
This guy takes you to a nice restaurant, and "let's" you order anything you want on the menu, because money is not an issue. This guys flaunts his money around and makes sure you know he can take care of you. Maybe it's because he thinks women love men with money-but in fact we love men who can provide security. If a woman does this she's most likely a fan of Destiny's Child (goodness I'm aging myself here) and being an "Independent Woman"

2) The "I'm still in love with my ex" Guy/Gal
This person...oh this person shouldn't even be on a date. This is the guy/gal who brings up their ex 1 too many times on a first date. We've all been this person, and we've all gone on a bad date with this guy/girl.

3) The "I'm only here for sex" Guy/Gal
Self explanatory.

4) The "I know we just met but I love you" Guy/Gal
This person barely knows you but knows you're the one. How? Um cause you ordered the carnitas platter and that's what THEY were gonna order guys!

5) The "I'm secretly crazy" Guy/Gal
This one is the scariest of all because they're good at hiding their crazy. It's different based on the gender. A man can seem amazing, sweet, kind and perfect, until you actually see the date through. There's usually a red flag like a rude comment he makes to the waiter, leaves mid date, or even gets angry with you on the first date. Women can also seem low maintenance and flexible, loves comic books and thrives in a concert setting, until you actually see the date through. Her red flags come with sending her food back just because the croutons in her salad aren't seasoned right, ordering a super extravagant latte from Starbucks or asking "Is this Iron Man?" when it's really Magneto from the Xmen.

Now that I've given you my top 5 bad date "guy/gal" let me tell you my ultimate bad first date. I met this man on OKCupid last summer and he seemed nice. I liked his pictures and we had been talking on the phone for a couple of days before we went on a date. So he picks me up for our first date **BAD IDEA** and he is not exactly what his pictures looked like-they were clearly a couple of years old. At this point I'm a little irritated but he's not bad looking so I continue with the date. Then I notice he's wearing some unusual sleeves not attached to his shirt so I asked about them and he reveled he has sleeve tattoos he's ashamed of. I immediately think "Oh crap he's a nazi, in a gang, or obsessed with his ex if he's hiding his tattoos. But I love tattoos so I told it didn't bother me; to be honest, those ugly sleeves were worse than the (normal) tats. Anyways we go to lunch and he suddenly can't hold a conversation to save his life! After an awkward lunch I wanted to go home (this is when I learned to take my own damn car from now on) but he wanted to see a movie. So we go to the movie where he proceeds to try and hold my hand. I nicely place his hand back in his lap and continue watching the movie. This guy.....gets pissed! He's like literally huffing and puffing in the theater. He gets up and walks out for what I thought was a calm down bathroom break but he never came back. The movie was paid for and I didn't have a ride yet so I stayed and watched Jake Gyllenhaal kill it in "Southpaw". I ended up having to call a friend to come pick me up, humiliated I just got left at the theater but she cheered me up. I think my favorite part of this entire debacle was that he literally called me two weeks later to ask me out for a second date. Yup. That happened.

So if nothing my bad first date taught me to take my own car. Lesson learned.

Good to be back.
xoxo
-e