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I lost 12 pounds
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This might be a long one, folks! I just wanted to prepare you because I'm really not that interesting but today I will be updating you all and reviewing my year for you. Before I do, I just want to let you all know that this may be my last post on E's Thoughts. If nothing else this year has taught me the value of privacy and over sharing details about my life can cause issues I never knew would arise. BTW.....the pictures are in no particular order, just positive things that happened to me this year!
January-May 2015
I threw my back out at the beginning of the year causing me to miss approximately 3 weeks of work, and limiting my movement for about 2 months. During this time I was at my lowest mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, I didn't realize just how much my life was about to change. I began seeking help to maintain my mental and emotional health. After a few months I started feeling like myself again and I began to grow in a different direction than my ex husband. I spent time in the desert away from him to work on myself but it only proved that the distance was a good thing.
June-August 2015
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| I got a new car! |
I won't lie and say that I wasn't quick to jump to divorce. I'm an all or nothing kind of woman, it's not a positive trait to have and I am working on that. Looking back it wasn't fair to my ex but because of my decision he was able to find a woman he is happy with and I have a relationship with my God I've always dreamed of. This summer was hard on me but I was very good at hiding it. At this point in my life I still did not have a solid relationship with God yet, so my decisions were not the best ones. Yes, I had fun going out often but looking back, it was a way to hide and not deal with what was really going on.
September-November 2015
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| My hero, my rock, my everything, my mother |
I moved back to the desert! I am living with family at the moment, but moving back here was by far the best decision of 2015. I reconnected with an old male friend who is makes me excited about my future. Remember I said I'm an all or nothing woman? Well I have never in my life taken things this slow with a man and while we're not together, I am hopeful that one day when we are both ready we will be. For now, I'm just happy to spend time with someone who understands me. September is also when I began attending church and finding my relationship with God.
December 2015
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| I turned 30! |
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| Found my first wrinkle :( |
The most important month for me this year has been December. I turned 30. but most importantly it was just a few short weeks ago that I submitted to God and opened my heart to Him and His plan for me. You see I am a woman who likes to know what's going on, and have controlling tendencies. So it was very hard, VERY VERY VERY hard for me to completely submit to God. I don't know how long it takes the average person but for me, it felt like no matter how hard I tried to let go and let God, there was always something in my heart that held me back. Don't get me wrong I love God, but I wasn't giving Him control because I needed that little bit to feel safe and like my identity wasn't being stolen. Then I heard a man speak at church and something happened. There was a moment that my perspective changed, my attitude changed, my behavior changed (well...they're all changING...I'm always work in progress guys haha) and then my life began to change. The best way to describe what was happening to me was like Jim Carey in the Grinch movie. Remember that part when the little girl did something nice and his broken and small heart started growing? That is what was happening to me! I have a big heart for people in general but I mean for my father, not much was left. I began to consider forgiving my father in that service for his actions, even though he didn't ask for my forgiveness. If you know me at all you know that even CONSIDERING it was a huge step. Then when he didn't call me for my birthday again, I got really sad and angry. Why wasn't he fighting for me?! Why did he abandon me?! Then it hit me....who IS fighting for me? Who DIDN'T abandon me? My God and my mother. I'm not better than God or my mom, I'm not eve close! So what gives me the right not to forgive, to judge and hold anger in my heart? So I forgave my father on December 13th, 2015 just following in His (and my mom's) footsteps. Since I've forgiven my father I have less anxiety and stress and honestly it feels like I can breathe again. This was all through God and his faith in me. That day I vowed to God to change my ways and live a life of love and forgiveness instead of anger and fear. It's only been a few weeks but I have seen the difference in myself. I have motivation for life again, I have motivation to succeed, I have motivation to be a woman that other women aspire to be. By letting go of control and letting God take care of it, I actually FOUND my identity I was so scared to lose. My purpose in this life is to inspire people, children and teens to be more specific. So I hope I can inspire you in some way today, tomorrow, or in 20 years. I'm not perfect, not even close but that's okay with me now. As long as I live a life that I am proud of, and I can reflect at the end of the day and know He is proud of me, that's all I need.
So let's sum this up now shall we?
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| I finally let go and let God have control. |
This year was mostly filled with anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, anxiety, stress, depression and many more negative emotions. But this month alone was filled with hope, love, acceptance, forgiveness and happiness. I know some family and friends have been concerned for me because of the ups and downs I've had all year. I know it's out of love and I thank you for your concern, but let me put your mind at ease. I am doing okay; I promise. Divorce happens, but know I am happy with where my life is going and who I'm going with. I'm not nearly close to working out all of my daddy issues, but I just want you all to know that my happiness is pure of heart and it's all thanks to God. I realize some of you might disagree with my views on faith and that's okay, I respect your views and opinions so I hope you do the same for me. I love you all, I thank you all, and I am beyond excited to see what 2016 holds for me!
EMM
