Do we really want a man's man?

I heard on one of those talk shows about a new book that came out. I completely forgot the title but I know the concept of the book. It was basically a guide for men on how to be manly men. The author suggested that all women want a manly man. Some of the teachings in this book were for how to start a fire, how to grill, how to use a compass, how to carry a woman over your shoulder and how to build shelter. These are just a few I remembered, there were some that are completely unnecessary. This got me thinking about what women want. I realize that’s a loaded question, but I wanted to know if women really want that MANLY MAN type. So I asked.

Only one of my female friends said she doesn’t care. She knows how to take care of herself so she doesn’t need her husband to fix things or take care of things. To which her husband responded with an “Ouch, you took my man card.” All the other responses were from men pretty much emphasizing that they were in fact manly.

Since none of my lady friends really answered the question, I’m going to have to insert only my personal opinions on this issue. I think women want a manly man, who can take care of them. We want a man who is financially stable, can protect us and our children and admit to his mistakes. To me, that’s a manly man. If a man can fix my car and mow my lawn but be a dead beat dad, I’d move on to the next one.

This guide that shows men how to be manly just proves to me that what men see as masculine and what women see as masculine are not exactly the same. I think men think being “manly” means fixing things, fighting, eating meat, watching the game, drinking beer etc. Women think it’s the way a man carries himself in life. Does he take care of himself? Is he educated? Does he work? Is he a family man? Can he take care of me?

I asked my husband if he thought he was manly and he said yes. To which I responded he’s manly enough. That may sound bad but I meant it on his terms. He doesn’t watch sports, or change my oil. He doesn’t eat steak every night and drink a cold one. What he does do is take care of me, protect me, stand up for me, support me, cooks for me and most of all is there for me. Sure he can read a compass, and start a fire but in my book he’s twice the man than those who need to follow the guide of being a manly man.

EMM

Pink and Blue Chores

I recently threw out the question to my Facebook friends about their husbands/boyfriends helping out with household duties. Do they? What do they do? How are chores distributed? Turns out most of my friends said yes, they help out. The men mostly do as one of my friends calls them “blue” chores. Meaning, they do the manly chores like take out the garbage, mow the lawn, wash the cars etc. My friend then went on to say she did "pink" chores like hard core cleaning and laundry. I think a lot of relationships are like this in general. Where men take care of what we think men should take care of, and women do the feminine chores.

In our household we pretty much do 50/50. Since my husband only goes to school 3 days a week he usually cooks during the week and I’ll cook on weekends. He also does those “blue” chores as well but the great thing about my husband is that he cleans too! For the most part I’ll clean every weekend and he’ll help here and there, but once a month we scrub our place from top to bottom and he really helps. In fact, for Valentine’s Day this year he scrubbed the apartment down and organized his entertainment center. It really was the best gift he could have gotten me. What I’m trying to say is our generation seems to have a different perspective than older ones when it comes to men helping out around the house. Men of this age recognize that taking care of one’s house is just as important as being at the office.

Growing up in a traditional Mexican household, I was raised with the idea that the men should be taken care of. I’ll reference one specific example so you can get an idea. At family gatherings or birthday parties, the women plate their husbands/children first and then sit down to eat. The men don’t usually serve themselves. I fall into this as well. At our family parties I always serve my husband because it’s what I know. At first he was a little confused but then as time went on he realized it was a cultural thing. Even if my husband cooked dinner in our household, I’ll still serve him. Growing up however, my father was the breadwinner and never cleaned or helped with the chores. He did cook for us all the time but he was never one to scrub the bathroom. My brother on the other hand, was taught how to clean and helped my mother and I clean the house every weekend.

So while I think it’s fantastic that men help out more now, I don’t know that I would mind if my husband didn’t do much at all. I was raised with that idea. I never thought much about it until I got married. Luckily I have a husband who is helpful and practices a less traditional manly role than I grew up with.

EMM

For Better or for Worse?

When I got married, it was a huge deal. I don’t’ mean in the sense of everyone making it a big deal because they’re happy for me. I mean it was that type when everyone was questioning me because I was so young. *Side note, I was 21 when I got married not like 16 or anything like that* Back to my thoughts…When I told everyone they pretty much all questioned the relationship. “It’s too soon” “you’re so young” “just wait” is mostly what I heard instead of “Congratulations!” I knew my family wouldn’t support the idea but eventually, when they realized I wasn’t messing around, they all started to support my relationship.

It was so hard to justify to them why we were getting married so young, even though my parents got married at 19 and 22 and have been married for 30 years now. That being said, I took this marriage very seriously. If you know me at all, I’m not a thrill seeker and I think things through. I’m not one to jump into things and this situation was no different. I knew people (even family members) probably thought this marriage wouldn’t last. But I also knew it would.

Divorce to me is something people use as a way out far too often. I’m one of those hardcore believers that the only reason to get a divorce is if you or your children are being abused in ANY way. Keeping you and your family safe is a number 1 priority. However, I don’t believe in divorce for much else. I have friends and family members who are divorced. I’m not judging them, it’s their life. I fully support all of their decisions, but I personally wouldn’t have divorced for the issues they did. I know my partner in life is going to work through any and everything with me. I completely understand that people are put in situations where they feel the need to divorce, but to me marriage is a choice you made. You decided to be with that person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. I see people getting divorced after 1-2 years married. What the hell is that? Did things change so suddenly in those 2 years? There’s going to be ups and downs in every marriage, but leaving isn’t the way out, in my opinion. I’ve heard “He/she changed, it’s different” People change, so you evolve as a couple. People always ask “what if he cheats?” and I usually don’t respond because I know my husband will not cheat on me. Never say never though right. If he does, we’ll work through it. “What if there’s a love child?” We’ll work through it. “What if he gambles al your money away?” We’ll work through it “What if he finds a younger piece of ass” Well then I don’t really have a choice do I? The only way my husband and I will ever separate is through death or if he decides to leave. I have enough faith in my marriage to know death will be what parts us.

EMM

Going the distance

The common opinion on long distance relationships tend to be that they have a shelf life of about 2.5 seconds. At least that's what I thought people would say. Turns out, a majority of people think the opposite as long as both people are willing to work at the relationship. I have many personal experiences with this. Out of the 3 long distance relationships I've had in my life, only one man cheated on me. Turns out he had another girlfriend in another state. I ended it there and I'm sure he didn't stop being a player. Shouldn't have surprised me I mean I knew who he was. One of my ex's who I had a long distance relationship with was great; until I moved to the same city and that's when things changed. I think we were so used to having our own lives in our own cities that it was a completely different relationship when we lived in the same area code. He's a great person and we ended things on a nice note. My last and final long distance relationship ended up being to my husband. Here's that experience...

When we started dating, we lived 3 hours apart. We're crazy right! I drove to see him every weekend for months. After awhile it got old and expensive so he had to buy a car. From then on we alternated weekends. We lasted like that for a year and a half before we got married. I thought it was the end of long distance and was so excited to live with him full time now! That was not the case. The week after our wedding he was told he had to attend school in Virginia for 6 weeks. After being pissed off for all of 5 minutes, I got over it. 6 weeks is nothing, we can do it! About 5 weeks into his school, he got "The" call. He was to be deployed the day after his school ended. We were able to extend it by 2 weeks. Once those 2 weeks were over he was shipped off on the USS Stennis for 6 months. So the first 2 years of our relationship were spent long distance. Once he returned, I was relieved to be with him. However, he was living/stationed in Ventura and I was living in Anaheim because I was still in school. That year and a half he was home we still were long distance except for weekends. In January of 2009 he was shipped off for another deployment on the USS Stennis for 6 more months. Now, it had been 4 years of long distance. When he returned in July from deployment we were finally together. We've been living together in the same apartment for almost 2 years now and I've loved every minute of it.

To me the being apart sucked, but it wasn't the worse part of a long distance relationship. The worst part was the constant need for communication. Cell phones, emails, letters gifts etc. It was overwhelming and because we had to work so hard at communicating, it lead to arguments. To me, a long distance relationship can absolutely work. We're living breathing proof. However, communication, trust, honesty, commitment and gas money (or airline money in some cases) are a necessity to making it work. Even if it was only for a day, we would make an effort to spend it together. Now we appreciate our time together more. We understand what it took to get here and let me tell you...we deserve the time we have now. In the long run, I think having a long distance relationship was best because it prepared us for deployments. The deployments prepared us for marriage because we had to learn to communicate our highs and lows through emails only.

So when you're annoyed, angry, frustrated or pestered with your loved one, remember that it could always be worse. He/she could be thousands of miles away fighting in a war. If it can't be worse...you might want to consider ending things.

EMM

Front row seats?

I’m 25 years old, been married for almost 5 years and no we don’t have a baby. Most people are shocked when they hear that and believe me we’ve had pressure from our parents for a few years now. Moving on….the point is we don’t have kids. Therefore, I’ve never given birth. The closest I’ve been to a birth was when my niece was born and I was 10. My mother decided it would be a good idea for me to be traumatized at a young age to prevent sexual activity as a teenager. To her surprise she ended up being born via C-section. She still to this day quotes 10 year old me “This is easy; I can have tons of babies”. Little did 10 year old me know.

Now as an adult who fully understands and FEARS the pain of giving birth I’ve been able to go without seeing the real experience. Everyone always says “It’s a beautiful experience” but all I’ve seen from photos was a swollen vagina, painful tears, vomit, blood, the possibility of pooping one-self and just body fluid everywhere. I mean it’s not the prettiest thing in the world. Yes I know how special it is once the baby gets out and I do understand the point of it being a beautiful experience…ONCE THE BABY IS BORN! Please don’t think I’m this cynical woman who hates kids, I love kids. I work with kids daily. The reason I’m discussing the birthing part of parenting is because I do not want my husband in the delivery room when I have children.

“WHAT!” “OH MY GOD” “NO WAY” are the responses I tend to get when I mention this to friends, family, strangers etc. Yes, as of now I do not want my husband in the room. I don’t mind having him on the other side of the curtain, I don’t mind having him wait outside the door, but unless there is a dire emergency he will not be there holding my hand and telling me to push.

This came to me after hearing a segment on the radio about the idea of men becoming less attracted to their wives/girlfriends/baby mama once they saw the vagina being used for reproduction purposes. Several men and women called in agreeing with this. That got me thinking and made me research the idea. It’s true. Research shows that men who saw their wives giving birth are less attracted to them after the fact. In my opinion most men won’t agree with me or say anything because they don’t want to come off as assholes. I actually respect that because they’re being supportive good men.

Let me also be clear that my husband does not support this. We have conflicting views on this subject because of course he wants to be there for the birth of his child. In his words “I’m gonna help pull it out” So this is another subject we’ll have to deal with when the time comes.  For now, I’m standing my ground on the matter. I’ll let you know how it goes.

EMM

Does a family who pray together REALLY stay together?

Should I have married someone with the same religious views as me? It’s 2011…is religion really still a deal breaker?

As a little girl I always went to mass every Sunday. Our closest friends were all through the church (they still are). I was baptized Catholic, went to catechism as a young girl and was confirmed in the Catholic religion as a teenager. I was raised with the Catholic beliefs and taught the importance of God in your home. My father always says “God is first, your mom is second and you and your brother are third.” It’s easy to see why as I got older, I started to think that my perfect mate would also be Catholic. Needless to say that was not God’s plan. I fell in love with a man who has no religious preference. He believes there is a God, but has a difficult time understanding the theories behind the Bible. I promise you he completely and utterly respects everyone’s religion and is sincerely interested in learning about them all. When I ask him questions about this (and believe me, I ask a lot) I always find it interesting to hear his responses. It makes me realize how literal he sees the world. You see, my husband and his siblings were not raised the way I was. They did not have religion or faith in their everyday life. They were not taught the importance of faith in their home. Not to say that he had a better or worse upbringing, just different.

I knew immediately when I posted this subject on Facebook I would get several responses. Of course, most people said that you should be of the same faith as someone to live a long and happy life. Some even went as far as to say it’s one of the reasons they divorced their spouse. The idea of raising your children together with the same beliefs is important. While I agree with almost everything people said, it didn’t mean it applied to my life. I have to admit, if my husband was a devout practicing Muslim it would be much more difficult. **Not just Muslim, but for the sake of this blog that’s the first religion that came to mind** I say this because it would conflict with my religion and my beliefs, and I believe that could be an issue in a marriage. I’m also wondering, how many couples who are both Jewish, Catholic, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, etc did not end up living a happy life? So I looked it up and it turns out that Christians have a 27% more chance of getting divorced and religiously speaking have the highest divorce rate. I couldn’t find much on inter-mixed religious marriages but I can only assume it doesn’t work in our favor. Religious is a way of recognizing your values and outlook on life in general. If they are different than your spouse, how would that work? I guess I’ll let you know in 10 years when I’m still married to my wonderful non-Catholic husband!

So while my husband and I are not both Catholic, we’re both in agreement with raising our children Catholic. We’re also excited to raise them with high moral standards, values, generosity, kindness, love and many more things that we both believe in.

EMM

The Ex-Factor

Ex's are an inevitable. In my opinion they're important factors in who you are as a person. They help you learn from your mistakes, grow as a person and how to treat others and are treated. Let's face it, they also help you determine the type of person you want to be with as well. When it comes to my ex's...there's no denying I have a diverse group. While most of my relationships ended badly, there were a couple that ended based on mutual agreement or things just weren't working out. I've recently sent the question of talking to ex's out into the social networking world of Facebook. I got several responses and the answers varied. Some people were so appalled at the idea of talking to their ex's, some still spoke to all of them! I can't imagine doing that. There are also those people who hurt you so badly; they're not worth any part of you. I have a couple of those ex's as well. In those cases, I say get over it and move on with your life. If I let the men who hurt me determine my destiny in life or which type of man I truly deserve, I would be a miserable woman.

In my experience when a relationship ends it doesn't mean all ties must be cut from the person. Heck even the guys who mistreated me were still "friends" of mine. That all changed when I got married. With all of my past relationships I made sure to be honest with my husband and my current status with that person. If he was uncomfortable with anything, things changed. Aside from 1 consistent ex of mine that was a friend, there was one ex that reached out to me after I got married. At first he called to apologize for his wrong doings but eventually with the blessing of my husband, we became friends again. He passed away about 4 months after we rekindled the friendship. The reason I'm telling you this specific story is because while we were no longer romantically involved, I still created a friendship with him that meant more to me than I could have thought. I can’t imagine not having him in my life those last few months. So while I think it's better to part ways when you separate, there are certain people who change you for the better and worth mending broken bridges over.

I have to touch on one more thing here. I've had boyfriends who were friends with their ex's and it never bothered me. Now, my husband doesn't speak to all but 1 ex and it really doesn't bother me. I know what it's like to lose an ex/friend and I would never stop my husband from having a friendship with a woman who helped him become the wonderful man I married.

EMM

Friends

I've gone my whole life always having friends. Close friends, acquaintances, male friends, female friends, older, younger etc. In high school I had 2 girlfriends that I considered my best friends. As we graduated and time went on we didn't talk much. Now it's the occasional Facebook comment or random text. Throughout my few years as an adult I've really learned what a true friend is. My husband being in the military was constantly surrounded by men and women with the same work ethic as him. We have made some life-long friends because of the military which is one of the few things I appreciate the most.

My husband and I have several couple friends. What's great is that my husband is a better judge of character than I am, so when he makes friends I almost always make friends with that man's wife/girlfriend. We have some close friends in Arizona. While we don't see them as often as we used to, they're still some of our closest friends. Then we have our couple friends near us, who we used to be close with years ago until we all got stationed in different places. Now they live closer and again I consider them some of our closest friends.

Then there's my best friend...

For the past 2 years I have had the best friend I could have ever asked for. She is like my soul mate and I mean that in the most beautiful way possible. I know I can tell her anything and there won't be judgment. Ironically enough she was my sister-in-law for awhile but then she and my brother-in-law divorced. However, I wasn't close to her until they split up. My husband was deployed at the time and her ex-husband moved to Chicago and we just started talking and hanging out almost every night. We've gone through some ups and downs but always pulled through.

Aside from being able to understand me as a person and woman, she is caring and generous. I have never met anyone as generous as her. We can sit and talk for hours; she can make me laugh and has always been there for me. She’s also one of the few people I have let loose with. While my husband was deployed we would go out all the time and just dance and enjoy ourselves. I don’t think I could have gone through that deployment without her. Now we have a friendship that will always be a priority in my life especially now that she has a baby boy who is one of the many blessings in my life. So if you have a best friend out there, make sure they know how much you love them and appreciate them. NM….thank you for always supporting me, loving me and dancing with me. Wuvins on you! <3

Sharing is Caring

During a recent conversation with my mother, she said in passing that her and my dad don't share money. It came out like "Hi, how are you today?" I was a little surprised when I heard that because how do they pay bills, spend money, manage their finances? So I started asking her questions about their way of handling money. My husband and I have always had a joint checking account and a joint savings account. We also share the credit cards we have. We can both see what goes in and out of the pot any time or day of the week. Both our paychecks go in, and all the bills are paid through those accounts. It's a communal money thresh hold for our 2 person family. My parents, and other couples from that generation, have 2-3 accounts. They either each have their own accounts with their own money and they split the bills 50/50 or or each have their own accounts for their own spending and use the joint checking for bills. I guess to me there's no need for this. Why wouldn't you just have one account for everything? I was then greeted with the idea of surprising their spouse with a trip/gifts without the other knowing about it. Which I understand but my husband and I use cash for that. In my parent's case, that's just the way they've always done it.

Most people who are from my generation and maybe even a little older all seem to share their accounts. I'm wondering now if that has to do with the fact that we're young and we'll end up like our parents. Or if things have changed in society to make us think sharing out account is better. As a woman, I completely understand the idea of making your own money, fending for yourself and knowing that should something happen, you have that cushion. However, I also feel as though I trust my husband enough with the money I make and he trusts me with his. I can only speak for my marriage but sharing is the best way for us. We're savers by nature and we hardly spend frivolously which is why this method seems to work for us. If there are big purchases to be made we discuss it and usually always agree on the purchase and move on. In the 6 years I've been with my man money has never been an argument. For young people I think we're very responsible with our money and know when and where to spend it. But who knows, maybe once we're in our careers making more money the multiple account idea will be much better. I'm interested to see what happens 10 years from now.

EMM

Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties?

To have them or not to have them, that is the question. All I have to say is it really depends on the couple. Some are totally fine with a guys weekend in Vegas. Others are extremely conservative and prefer not to celebrate the man/woman's last night as a single person. Of course what man DOESN'T want a bachelor party? However guys, with movies like The Hangover 1 & 2, Bachelor Party and Clerks 2 how do you expect your fiancés to feel totally comfortable with the idea? Believe me, I hate double standards because they always seem to fall against women but in this case bachelorette parties are way different than bachelor parties. Let me further explain. A female bachelorette party might include a sex toy education class, dancing with your girls at a club, getting a little drunk and enjoying getting free shit because you're wearing ridiculous boas and veils all over the town. Sure there may be a male stripper but I guarantee it's not the same experience as a female stripper. 

I can use my own bachelorette party as the perfect example. I was bombarded with a male stripper at my wedding shower...by my mother! I thought it was going to be 30+ of my closest family and friends celebrating my love for my husband. I should have known something was going to happen when my grandmother suddenly left at 9pm. About 10 minutes later I was greeted with Cesar in his nasty ass brown fur coat and bright red thong. I freaked out! I was uncomfortable and clearly not enjoying the experience. This wasn't to say my entire party wasn't enjoying him. I've seen women I know my whole life get greased up by this guito, getting picked up, taking shots off his chest etc. But men, by midnight, he left home richer and all the women went home to their husbands. It really was innocent. For some reason I think most women have this idea in their head that when men have a bachelor party, most men will cheat. Quite frankly, at least for me, I don’t think a man’s buddies are really taking me into consideration when egging on behavior that could hurt the relationship.  Of course there are plenty of bachelor parties that are innocent enough they just seem few and far between these days.

EMM

Strip clubs.....

In all seriousness I fully understand the concept of strip clubs and their appeal to men. Why wouldn't a man go to a strip club and watch semi-beautiful women dance naked on top of them? That is, for single men. I don't agree with a married man, especially my married man, getting his kicks at the local strip club just because his friends are going. I think it's a little disrespectful and since I know he's gettin' the goods at home what's the point? Don't get me wrong, it's not like my hubby's going or even asking to go, but it has been a topic of conversation in the past. Specifically one day in 2009. My husband was in the Navy for about 6 years and during a deployment they ported in Thailand. After working 12 hours/7 days a week for months, he clearly needed a night out with his friends. He mentioned they wanted to go to a strip club. Of course I'm a little worried....he's thousands of miles away, sex-less for 5 months now, and going to a strip club in a foreign country. But I trust my husband and I knew he wouldn't do anything wrong (I was still VERY worried). He called me later the next day only to express his anger about the "lady-boys" known in Thailand. Apparently, most strip clubs out there are of men dressed as women stripping. His experience was very upsetting...to him. Needless to say since that day he's never had the desire to go. After asking this questions to many others, I found that it really depends on the woman you ask. Some were open to their significant others going, others thought it was acceptable only for bachelor parties, and some thought it was immoral and disgusting. So while I'm not happy with the idea of my husband going to a strip club on a random Wednesday night, I might feel different about special occasions.
EMM

Platonic Friendships?

My first questions to the masses was in regards to the idea of men and women being friends without wanting more. This clearly turned into married/dating women and men thinking about their significant others with their friends of the opposite sex. I was speaking to a male friend of mine who was having an issue with his new lady friend and his wife. He recently made a new friend and without going into specifics, might have upset his wife. While I believe that men and women can definitely be platonic friends, not everyone agreed with me. It turns out there is much more that goes into this topic. For example, was the friend of the opposite sex (FOS) a new friend or old friend? Is he/she good looking? Where did they get together? What time was it? I mean it went on and on. I do think there are certain situations that can make an innocent friendship look like it's more. After what seemed like endless responses, for the most part both men and women thought it was possible as long as their significant other was considerate and respectful to them. So think about your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend when going to meet your FOS.
EMM

What I'm About

Hello!

This is my first official blog. Let me start by saying that I don't plan on using this blog for personal use. To be honest, I don't think my life is interesting enough to be the topic of all my conversations. Although I'm sure I'll occasionally insert some sort of insert based on my day to day experiences. This blogs to me is about my thoughts on relationships, children, life etc. I've recently discovered I have an immense interest in hearing what other people have to say about taboo/awkward/uncommon questions. I've been experimenting on Facebook by asking some of these types of questions. The response was overwhelming and I'll admit, entertaining. A friend of my husband thought I was writing a book which lead to me to the idea of a blog. So I'll post my random questions with my thoughts on the subject, along with the answers I receive on Facebook. I hope you find this blog entertaining and maybe even useful in your everyday life. I look forward to interacting with my readers!
EMM