Eyes For You

Is love at first sight real? I like many of you call bullshit. I decided to look into it so I did the research and it turns out that it does exist (with contingencies). The idea of love at first sight is that you see someone in the corner of the room, lock eyes and think "Wow, I'm gonna make babies with that person!" Because the truth of the matter and science is that we pick our mates based on our natural instinct to procreate with that person.

After doing some of the research I found the less than 10% of all married couples said that they experienced love at first sight with their spouse. So the contingency with "love at first sight" is that while it has been experienced by many people, the longevity of that relationship cannot be determined by the initial meeting. This means that while I fell in love at first sight, that doesn't mean your relationship will last. That's great, but not what I wanted to know. I simply wanted to know that it is real. Turns out, it is.

Along with providing some information on the topic I always like to implement my own personal life into these topics. I know that's really what you all want to read about, my juicy stories. This topic however isn't that juicy. I have never fallen in love at first sight. I have fallen in lust at first sight, but not love. I personally think that you need to get to know someone over time before you can really say you love them. I can look at David Beckam and tell him I love him at first sight but then he'll tell me 10 years into marriage that he likes Dane Cook. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO LIKES DANE COOK! Boom, divorce! Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high, because people rush into marriage. I'm not one to talk because I married my ex-husband after only 2 years of dating but I've known him since we were in 2nd grade, that's a lifetime of tiny pieces of information I knew about him before we got married. You know that saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? Well I think that goes with dating and seeing somebody for the first time. For example, I walk into the restaurant to meet the man I was set up with and he's not my type, physically. I would never walk out of the restaurant because he may have an amazing personality. I think over time people start to find their mates attractive even if they weren't initially attracted to that person. That being said, I also don't think I could ever fall in love with a man solely based on his looks. I like to think I'm not that naive or vain.

So while I don't think I could ever fall in love at first sight, that doesn't mean I don't respect those who do. There are plenty of people who say "We met, got married 2 months into the relationship." They may have a wonderful and fulfilling life surrounded by love fro their spouse. When I hear those stories, this is why I think...Wow, I wish I had balls like that. I wouldn't even commit to a puppy until year 7 of my marriage. Kudos to those who know what they want but that is just not for me.

I just think it's great to fall in love in general. At first, later, young, old, man, woman, whatever. Love is what makes life worth living so if you find someone worthy of your love, who cares when, how or why you're in love. Just make sure to love.
EMM

It's Been Awhile...

Where do I begin? I noticed a few weeks ago that it had been 8 months since I last wrote in my blog. While I can come up with excuse after excuse the real reason is I am sick.

I've mentioned before and I will say it again, you all know that I have had issues with my father over the last few years. It's no secret that I no longer talk to him and have not spoken to him since August 27th, 2012. That is a personal choice of mine and it is something I have to live with everyday. So far, it's been really easy not talking to him. I never thought I'd be one of those people who write people off this easily but he did something so bad that I had to cut ties. He betrayed me, my mom, my brother, and many many more people. I've been refraining from writing about this for fear that my relationship with some family members might disappear. After my experience the last few weeks, it's time for me to reveal the truth. I'm not even sure many people DON'T already know this, it's been getting around but I know by writing this, some people may now understand why I made the choices I made.

August 2012 I got a call from my mother breaking the news to me. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I had to call dad because there are terrible rumors going on about one of the most important men in my life. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. Basically I asked him

"Did you molest this person?"-Erika
"Yes."-Father

The conversation was obviously more intense but that's all I needed to hear. "Yes." He admitted it to me. He admitted that he hurt a lot of people I love and care for. He hurt people that were children at one point over another. Over the course of 2.5 years several other victims have come forward stating he did the same thing to them when they were children. This goes back 26+ years. What's worse, is that he denied the truth to many people in my family making me look like I (and the victims) were liars. These were all "accusations" according to my father. It was him versus them and there was no way he would ever admit to it to a person who would actually do something about it. Sadly, there is nothing I can do about it. To my current recollection I was never molested by my father as a child. Sometimes, I wish I was because I know that I would have done something about it and saved a lot of other people's misery. I could take away all of their pain and I could put him where he belongs. In jail.

Who was this man? Anyone who knows me knows that I was a daddy's girl. Look it up in the dictionary and there was a picture of me. I put him on the highest pedestal I could find, the highest horse, he was my superhero! No he was not, he is not and he will never be my superhero. This is who he really is.

My father is a child molester.
My father is a rapist.
My father is a cheater.
My father is a liar.
My father is not my father anymore.

So where does the "I was sick" part come in Erika? Well it all started toward the end of February 2015. I was digging myself into this deep hole and hiding where nobody could find my true feelings and emotions because they wouldn't understand. I was digging and digging passing by each day as if everything was fine, until it wasn't. I had a mental breakdown and essentially had to seek immediate help as I was having suicidal thoughts. Persistent and worsening suicidal thoughts. Now I am a smart woman, I knew that 1. I couldn't do that to the people I love, but new that the thoughts I was having were too severe for me to feel like it was just a bad day. 2. I had to seek serious help. I couldn't let myself get this low. So I went on disability and have been seeking treatment from 3 different doctors. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, a mood disorder and severe anxiety. Yes, I was on medication for the anxiety before all of this happened because I would talk to my primary care physician every few months and she would give me the basic help I needed hoping it would help. When I went to her in a terrible state she sought out a therapist and psychiatrist that could help me with the deeper issues. I haven't looked back since.

Over past few weeks I have had my medication monitored and adjusted several times. I still have not found the right dosage and combination that suit my specific illnesses. It's all trial and error at this point because everybody's body and chemistry is different. I have also had additional traumatizing events happen as well. My mother in law passed away, my nephew passed away, I stress about losing my job, my father emailed me, etc. It's stuff that I need to learn to deal with and manage in a healthy way. You see the best way I can explain how I feel on a daily basis is this picture.

All of the emotions or thoughts after "I'm tired of" are what I feel constantly. No really, I feel like this ALL OF THE TIME. The medication and therapy over time are supposed to help with this. So far it has gone from a 10 to a 7. I need to get down to a zero, and that will take time. I know it will and I know it takes work but I will get there. When a distressful situation occurs I need to learn to manage my thoughts, especially about myself, and move forward. This is something most of you reading this can already do. This is still something I cannot do.

Along with all the shit that has happened lately I still had not really dealt with my father issues (side note, OMG I am a woman with daddy issues). Now that I am a lot has come out in therapy that is hard to deal with but helping. Little by little I am getting there. It's hard to explain to people how this is considered "sick" but it really is. I don't have cancer, or broke my leg in a car accident, but I have PTSD, anxiety and a mood disorder. They are serious illnesses that I need to manage and deal with.

So now that I have shared the truth about my father and myself, it's time for me to post this. It's a big step. But here I go.

EMM