The Scoop

I think it's time I officially come out and say exactly what's going on with me. While some aspects of my personal life are far too personal to share there are some aspects that I think are appropriate to write about.

These past 10 months have been the most difficult 10 months of my life. It started out with my parents separating after 31 years of marriage and my mom moving even further away than she already is. You know when you think "How can things possibly get any worse?" Well I guess I tempted the universe because they continued to get worse every week. Besides the divorce getting quite complicated and plain old ugly I lost 3 different jobs in the last 10 months. Which means I have been on the job hunt 4 times throughout the last year. It is discouraging because I know my capabilities and worth, but my confidence has definitely been hit. I then unexpectedly got a massive kidney stone and ended up in the ER (which lead to an even bigger medical bill). Finally, I lost my relationship with my father. No, he didn't pass away but the relationship we had did. He is not the person I thought he was. I am the type of person who see's things clearly and morally. Your actions are either right, or wrong, no in between. Of course there are some exceptions to the rule but for the most part I feel as though people know what they are doing is either right, or wrong. He was doing wrong. He was not remorseful. He was not apologetic. He was not upset. Some of you might think "Dang EMM, you are being a bit judgmental. He's your dad. He's always going to be your dad." You're all right to an extent. I have been working with my therapist on this issue because I know that while I loathe what he did, I need to come to terms with it. That doesn't mean my relationship with him will ever be the same if we even have one again.

The other new development in my life is severe anxiety. Not with all situations, in fact just with one. I live about 1.5hrs away from my birthplace/home town. Over the last 6 months I have not been able to go back. At first I thought it was just because I wanted to stay away from the drama my parent's divorce was causing. After a couple of months of therapy I realize it is a far deeper rooted issue than I originally thought. I was supposed to go down next weekend for a visit. Over the last few days I've had anxiety attacks about the trip and essentially become inconsolable for a short time. I can't do it. I'm not ready to do it yet. For whatever reason (that I haven't figured out yet) I can't drive the 100 miles down there. This is far more difficult to admit than you all may think. You see I come from a family full of strong independent women. For me to admit defeat or weakness is very difficult. My husband said something that really made me understand why I feel the way I feel "If you don't tell anybody you aren't fine, how do you expect them to try and help you or understand why you haven't been yourself lately?" He's right. I tell everyone I'm fine as a way to avoid questions, sympathy or help because I'm supposed to be able to handle this all myself. The truth is though, I'm not fine. I'm not ok. I'm not taking this with a grain of salt.

That's why I've been seeking help for the last few months. It has helped me in a sense of figuring out who I am and why I think the way I do. It's also helped me accomplish some of my personal goals. While I'm not quite there yet, I do know that one day I will be fine. I will be ok. I will move past this. Until then, I hope my closest friends and family understand that I am doing my best. I am working on taking care of myself. I am trying. I just hope I have all of your support, which never seems to be too much to ask from such wonderful people because I know that the people who truly care for me will always understand and always be there for me.

For now let me leave you with this, I am still me. I am still EMM. I am stronger than I ever thought possible but I do have weaknesses, and that's ok with me. I just hope it's ok with all of you. Thanks for all of your support.
EMM